More Order in the Court

And the madness continues. Here are more examples of ridiculous attorney-witness question and answers in our courts (from the book, Disorder in the American Courts).

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m going with male.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

* * * * *

And that, my friends, is THAT! (Rimshot!)

 

 

Bumped Umps

“Moidah da bum! Youse is blind!”

Baseball fans love to take out their frustrations on the umpires. Especially on close calls.

Well, the St. Paul Saints took care of that recently. About a month and a half ago, the Independent American Association team got rid of all the umpires, using instead a “final arbiter,” a judge in black robe standing behind the mound.

No close calls without crowd feedback. A dozen Little League players were situated along the first- and third-base lines, and decided plays by raising “Safe” or “Out” signs. The catchers called the balls and strikes. If there was a dispute, the judge ruled.

In addition, as fans entered the game, 1,115 were given “Yes” and “No” placards. They became the team managers; when team officials held up a card with questions (e.g., “Steal?” or “Infield Back?”), they’d vote. The judge tabulated the results, which were relayed to a dugout coach through walkie-talkie.

However, the base jurors left their posts by the time the sixth inning rolled around and the judge had to assume total control.

Maybe it was past their bedtime?

I love minor league baseball promotions.

True Sign?

This sign popped out at me the other day when the wife and I were having lunch at Bubba Gump's and I reflected on a similar sign I'd seen when I was heavily involved in the printing business.

That sign read, "Good, Fast, Cheap ... Pick Two." And it's as true today as it was then. Just like the Bubba Bump sign, you can't have it all.

If you want something that's good and cheap, it's not going to get to you fast. If you want something good and fast, it's not going to be cheap. And if you want something fast and cheap, it's not going to be good.

Back to Bubba Gump. They are implying you can't have all three. Not there, you can't. But ... but ... but, of course, you do realize they meant it as a joke. They do a pretty good job balancing the three. I have no complaints.

Queen's Medical Center Artifacts

King Kamehameha IV and Queen Emma

While wandering the halls looking for the hospital's dining room so I could get a bite of breakfast while waiting for the wife's surgery to be completed, I chanced upon a glass case of artifacts.

Included among the Queen's Medical Center memorabilia were two sheets of paper documenting (1) the hospital's surgical record of March 1910 and (2) a list of the hospital's trustees from 1883-1885.

Being an old-paper collectible fanatic, I just had to take pictures of these fascinating items:

List of Trustees, 1883-1885

Surgical Record, 1910

The hospital, of course, was named after Queen Emma (Emma Kalanikaumakaʻamano Kaleleonālani Naʻea Rooke), the royal consort of King Kamehameha IV (Alexander ʻIolani Liholiho). After her husband died, she ran against King Kalakaua (David Laʻamea Kamanakapuʻu Mahinulani Nalaiaehuokalani Lumialani Kalākaua) to be Hawaii's ruling monarch, but she lost the election.

It's a good thing the royal Hawaiians didn't have their names printed on the back of their football jerseys. Oooo, sorry, that just slipped out.

Haircut Detour in Offing

Arriving at Ala Moana Shopping Center yesterday for my month haircut, I saw these signs at the Pensacola Street entrance to the center.

My favorite and most convenient entry point, which leads almost directly to Thom's Barbershop, is going to close for good the day after Independence Day. After that, I'll have to make a major detour and do a lot more left-right-left-right turning to get to the barbershop.

This is all due, of course, to the closing of Sears, one of the center's original anchor stores. One doesn't realize how large a space it occupied on the ewa end, but a drive-by on the street level is an eye-opener. Plus, it's three levels.

A new assortment of tenants will take over the site, which I believe will be enlarged and reconfigured. More money for the owners of the mall, I guess.

As for me, I'll have to reconfigure my route to get my hair cut from now on.

Where Hawaii Ranks 20

Here are more lists of where Hawaii ranks in various categories of comparison with other states and countries. Yep, it’s true, we’re expensive. Even when we use less electricity than other states, we still pay more because of the high rates.

Lowest Per Capita Energy Use (U.S Energy Information Administration, 2010)

1. California (6.721 kilowatt hours)
2. HAWAII (7.363 KWH)
3. Rhode Island (7.434 kwh)
4. New York (7.467 kwh)
5. Alaska (7.952 kwh)

Highest-Priced U.S. Cities to Visit during Summer 2012 (TripAdvisor, 2012)

1. Honolulu, HI ($504.74 for a one-night stay at a four-star hotel, plus dinner, wine, and round-trip taxi)
2. New York, NY ($504.25)
3. Boston, MA (473.59)
4. San Francisco, CA ($471.89)
5. Chicago, IL ($448.45)

Highest Occupancy Rate, Sun Destinations, First Quarter 2013 (Smith Travel Research)

1. OAHU, HI (86.2%)
2. Phuket, Thailand (86.1%)
3. MAUI, HI (80.2%)
4. Maldives (77.2%)
5. KAUAI, HI (73.2%)
6. BIG ISLAND, HI (72.6%)

Least-Affordable Place to Buy a Home (Nerdwallet.com, 2013)

1. HONOLULU, HI (Average home costs 8.92 years of current median household income)
2. San Jose-Sunnyvale-Santa Clara, CA (8.17 years)
3. San Francisco-Oakland-Fremont, CA (7.93 years)
4. New York-Wayne-White Plains, NY-NJ (6.77 years)
5. San Diego-Carlsbad-San Marcos, CA (6.73 years)

Worst Teaching Degree Programs (National Council on Teacher Quality, 2013)

1. University of Hawaii at Hilo, and University of Hawaii at Manoa (tied with 155 other nationwide colleges and universities with elementary and secondary school degree programs)

Queen's Medical Center Room Service

What? Did I just say room service? As in ordering food from a beautifully printed menu? Just like you'd do in a fancy hotel room?

Yes, that's what I said. The Queen's Medical Center has a room-service menu. If your doctor hasn't ordered a special diet while you're in there, you can call them up and order whatever you like. They even know your room number when you call, even though you've just been moved there.

The meal will be delivered within 45 minutes or less, and if a family member wants to order a meal, they can do that as well (but you have to get a guest tray voucher from the cafeteria or deli). Calls to the kitchen extension can be made from the room, but say you just talked to a family member on the phone and mentioned what you want to eat. The family member can call their outside line and order for you.

They offer full-on breakfasts (omelets, breakfast meats, fruit, cereals, pastry, yogurt), liquid or pureed diets, broths, soups, deli sandwiches, grilled sandwiches, hot entrees (Mac and Cheese, chili, pot roast, meatloaf, turkey, chicken pot pie and more), Asian stir fry, Italian dishes, ramen, beverages and desserts.

Outstanding! It isn't a four-star restaurant, but hey, they're trying hard.

Order in the Court

You may have seen these before – maybe in an email, maybe on a website, maybe even on Facebook. But I think they’re funny enough to bear repeating. According to the email I got, these are from the book, Disorder in the American Courts.

And they swear these are true stories gleaned from the records of actual court reporters.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18^th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did ou actually pass the bar exam?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8^th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at the time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

* * * * *

Okay, that’s enough. I can’t stand it any longer, so I’ll continue this at another time.

Alas, Poor Yorick ...

While keeping the wife company during her recent sojourn at Queen's Medical Center, I wandered around the Neuroscience display adjacent to the waiting area.

I spent my time in the wife's room, but since the display was just across the hall from the restroom, it's only natural that I would wander over to see what that skull was all about.

The display is about "trepanning," or the drilling of holes in one's skull to fix what's underneath (like the brain). Trepanning has been around since 40,000 B.C., and is a procedure still being used today. Those are drill heads on the left.

But soon after I read the description, I couldn't help wondering what the name was of the person whose skull was on display. I mean, it must be very satisfying to know your body parts are being used for educational purposes. I doubt the skull's owner would know that right now, but it would be nice to pay him/her some personal respect.

Alas, poor Someone, I didn't know him well ...

I Get a Peaceful, Easy Feeling

One good thing about connecting between Honolulu and San Jose (in spite of the three-hour layover at Kahului Airport on Maui) is the view from the plane as you pass over Maui for a landing.

Just outside our window was this beautiful view of Kahului Bay, with the town of Kahului on the right, just outside the picture.

It just confirms my belief that Hawaii can be among the most beautiful places in the world.

As we say here, "Lucky you live Hawaii."

Peachy Keen

Since we were in a fruit-conversation mood yesterday, I thought I'd show you a picture of a green peach on its way to edible goodness.

This photo was taken in my son's San Jose back yard. The fruit is one of maybe a dozen that were still hanging on. It's about an inch-and-a-half from stem to tip and hopefully by now has achieved full ripeness.

Actually, I've had those peaches before and they're rather on the crunchy side and a bit tart. Not exactly your canned cling peach halves, but what do you expect from a peach plant grown in the city?

Peachy, huh?

Lemon Concentrate on a Tree

On the first morning of my most recent stay with my son in San Jose, I wandered around his back yard and was taken by the sight of huge yellow fruit on his lemon tree.

He used to have more fruit trees in his small back yard, but they've mostly given way to paved patio stones. I don't blame him, the leaf and dried-branch rubbish they produced was just too hard to keep up with.

But y'know, it doesn't rain much in Silicon Valley, and he doesn't stand out there every day hosing down the ground around the plants. California does have water shortages and it's just not socially correct to do that.

As a result, the fruit do grow, but they end up large and shriveled like this one. -->

The insides are still tasty, and in fact, quite a bit tarter than an ordinary lemon. The juice is more like lemon concentrate and a bit more bitter. Heck, if it were my tree, I'd set up a drip-irrigation system to ensure a plump and juicy fruit harvest.

But it's not my tree. LOL.

Ominous Announcements

While sitting in various waiting rooms at Queen’s Medical Center last week, I heard a number of ominous public address announcements that made me look up from my iPad:

• ”Stroke team, emergency room.”
• “Modified trauma team, emergency room.”
• “IV therapy stat, room 605.”
• “Code blue, Kamehameha, Cancer Center.”
• “Acute stroke team, emergency room.”
• “Code red, POB2 lobby”
• “Code red, (unintelligible location), patient room.”

“Code blue” of course, means someone is in cardiac arrest; “code red” means there’s a fire hazard.

One has to expect these announcements in a hospital, but still, it sends chills through a person to hear them. The message they convey is that someone is in dire need of immediate medical attention.

That's pretty scary.

Man in Tree?

It's not a potato chip shaped like Abraham Lincoln's head, or a blood stain on a wall that's looks like Jesus' face, but I found one of those strange coincidences right here at home.

While contemplating on the day's events last night, and staring at my desktop computer wallpaper (a picture of the drum bridge at the Japanese Garden in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park), I noted the above phenomenon.

It appeared to be the white head of a man hidden in the tree and staring off to the left (see the circled image above).

I've had this wallpaper on my computer for more than a year and only now noticed it.

Whaddaya think? Can I get something on eBay for this image?

Happy Star Wars Father's Day!

Spotty Posting Ahead

 

Just to let you know ... posting on the Left Field Wander blog may be spotty for a while. The wife will be having an operation and I'll be tending to her needs until she can get back on her feet. I'll post updates on my Facebook page.

See you when I resume posting.

SJC-OGG First-Class Seating

You may recall we were able to upgrade to first class on our Hawaiian Airlines Maui to San Jose flight in April. Well, fortune was on our side for that trip because we also were able to upgrade on the return flight.

It was easier this time because five first-class seats were open and available when we checked in online.

And who should one of the flight attendant be? It was Jo from Kula, Maui, who became our friend for life, the same attendant who was so pleasant on our OGG-SJC flight 11 days earlier.

She treated us so well, plying us with more cheese, crackers, potato chips and playing cards than we deserved.

We had a nice Chef Chai breakfast – a fruit dish with warm muffin to start, and then a breakfast entrée of a Quiche Lorraine and French toast with berry compote:

 

The thing I didn’t like was the layover in Kahului Airport (yes, again) before we could board our flight to Honolulu. We arrived in Maui 20 minutes early, so I checked with customer service to see if we could get on one of four earlier flights to Honolulu. They were all full, so instead of three-hour layover, we spent nearly three and a half hours at an airport that we’d spent three hours in, a week and a half ago.

Again, nothing much to do but stroll and sit, stroll and sit, stroll and sit.

I might consider going to Oakland and driving to next time. Jo says she services that flight; she’ll be looking for us.

What’s Boho?

In yesterday’s Honolulu Sunday Star-Advertiser, right there, smack dab on the front of Travel Section page B-1, was this layout (Click on it to enlarge):

 

Being a headline reader, I read the headline first, gazing downward on the left side, I read the head: ”BEACH MEETS BOHO AT BYRON BAY.” Okay, that did it, I just had to read the rest of the story to find out what “boho” meant.

My first scan of the story resulted in … nothing. That ticked me off; I invested a lot of my time reading to educate myself and what? Nothing. So I read the story a second time, and this time discovered the phrase “boho backpacking” (see the insert in the upper right-hand corner of the picture).

Nothing in the story explained what the hell “boho” meant. Was it a shortened version of “blow hole”? Did it mean a hiker was crying out loud, as in bo(o) ho(o)? What? What? I had to find the word online.

“Boho,” it turns out, is an adjective that means “socially unconventional.” It draws on bohemian and hippie influences.

See? I had to look it up. A person reading a headline should not have to look up a word. That’s bad headline writing. Worse yet, when the word isn’t explained in the story, the writer is assuming the reader is familiar with such esoteric terms. That’s bad writing.

Bad headline writing at the Honolulu Star-Advertiser and bad story writing from the New York Times. But it’s also bad editing on the part of the Star-Advertiser. The editor should have read the story carefully before laying it out, and made a parenthetical explanation of the term – do something like this … “boho (stylishly bohemian) backpacking.”

Now how hard is that? It makes one’s mind boho-boggle.

Guess What These Are

 

Ahh, you probably know, don't you? If you were around this planet as recently as say, the early '80s, then I'm sure you know.

Isn't it amazing how many different colors and designs were used in these?

Don't they bring back memories of riding around in a car on Saturdays, cruising the streets of downtown, checking out the girls and singing the most popular songs out loud with gusto?

Maybe you owned a collection of something and never really paid attention to these. They did come with what you collected, you know.

What are they?

The spindle-adapter centers (aka "spiders") of 45 rpm records.

Security Tricycle

During a seemingly interminable three-hour layover in Kahului Airport on our way home to Honolulu from San Jose, the wife called my attention to an electric tricycle being used by airport security.

I have to admit, I'd never seen one like it before. In fact, when I got home, I googled up a whole bunch of "electric tricycle" pictures and after wading through a couple of hundred, never found any that looked like this model. Not even close.

It's pretty good-looking. And the security cop looked as comfortable on it as my grandson looks on his plastic trike. I really wanted to test it out, but y'know ... the cop would have sneered at me and I was too tired and irritated waiting for my Kahului-Honolulu flight to let that happen.

Trike Shmike ... awww, who cares anyway?

San Jose Japanese Friendship Garden

 

Situated in the middle of San Jose, in the Kelley Park area, is the Japanese Friendship Garden Regional Park, celebrating the sister city relationship between San Jose and Okayama, Japan.

Gracing its 5.5 acres is a multitude of serenity, beautiful verdant trees and plants, peaceful ponds and waterways, and traditional Japanese ornamental structures. It’s patterned after Okayama’s famous Korakuen Gardens.

The ponds are home to ornamental carp (koi) sent in 1966 by the City of Okayama. Ducks and geese have made their home there as well, and are visitor-friendly, especially when you purchase some of the food pellets near the arch bridge.

Paved walkways take you to the different levels. The wife and I wandered there for an hour or so, stepping off the path often to view some of the blossoms and greenery close-up.

If you’re in the San Jose area and are looking for some serenity and peace, this is the place to visit. Check out some of the pictures I took. I think you’d agree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Click on Picture for Panoramic View

The Japanese Friendship Garden is located at 1650 Senter Road in San Jose. Parking is available, and once the fee is paid, you can extend your trip and visit the adjoining History Park. The only problem with visiting the History Park is that you have to walk the length of that section to get to its entrance. The Japanese park is much closer and an infinitely better place to visit.

Via another parking area at Kelley Park, you can visit Happy Hollow Park & Zoo, which I’ve written about before (do a Wandering blog search up there in the upper right-hand corner for “Happy Hollow Park & Zoo”).

Curiouser and Curiouser

Those doves get braver and more curious every day, especially the larger Spotted Doves.

It used to be that they were shy as all get out. Now, however, they wander around me, under my chair, around my feet, inspecting my toes, looking for something to eat.

The other day, one actually flew up onto the table next to my chair, no more than a couple of feet away from me. It stood there, turning its head, checking me out, as if pleading with its eyes for me to turn into a dove-catering service.

The little Zebra Doves seem to be a little shyer. They used to perch on my footstool (on my legs and toes, and once even on my head), but no more.

It's as though the Spotted and Zebra Doves have reversed roles. Is the Apocalypse on its way?

Menu Misteaks … er, Mistakes

For some reason (maybe because I’ve edited so many works of others in my past and it’s coming back to haunt me), typographical, spelling, and word usage errors just seem to jump off the page at me. More likely than not, these days, it’s the menus in restaurants the wife and I patronize.

Here’s one from Cathay Jade Chinese Restaurant in San Jose:

 

All I could think about when I saw this was maybe I needed to stay away from the bill if it’s going to be a-pecking at me? And look, you get a whole one with its buns (butt?) intact. How bouddat!

Here’s another that I saw at Flames Coffee Shop in San Jose:

 

Their Corned Beef Hash Benedict comes with “wich creamy Hollandaise.” Now, why are they asking me? I mean, do I have a choice?

See? See what I mean? Help me!

 

Gilroy Outlet Mall Heel-Cooling

One afternoon during our visit to San Jose in April, the wife decided she wanted to take a drive down the 101 Freeway to Gilroy, where a huge outlet mall awaited her coming.

We've been there many times before, and it sounded like a good idea since I myself wanted to find some house shorts. The last bunch I bought was at an outlet strip at Lake Tahoe, many moons ago. Before that, I had several that I got at Champion in Las Vegas, and had worn until they were mere tatters.

It's hard to find regular cotton shorts these days. All you can find are the nylon ones that emulate the ones that basketball players wear. You know, parachutes.

Score! We found some at the Gilroy Champion store. The wife got some stuff and not wanting to be caught up the creek without a paddle again, I bought eight pairs of shorts that should last me for quite a while.

Now ... I'm a guy, so I don't go shopping. I go buying. The wife, however, is definitely not a guy, so she had to mosey on over to one of her favorite stores - Coldwater Creek. Oh lawdie, I knew what that meant. I was going to have to wait outside for her for who knows how long, sitting on the cement planter, then meandering around, to the car and back.

I was able to kill about 10 minutes in the Van Heusen store, but didn't find anything I wanted to buy. (See? When I shop, I'm unsuccessful. It's only when I go to buy that I find something. An omen, perhaps?)

Do you know how distressing it is to see women go in and come back out. Many women. But no wife. Well, to make a long story short, she came out an hour later with two bags of clothes. Despite my aching butt and back, I was so happy for her ... maybe I won't have to take her shopping for another year?

Yeah, right.

Morning, Dove

Ah yes, good morning, indeed. During my San Jose morning walks, I came across quite a number of these doves.

Zenaida macroura, the Mourning Dove, is also known as the Turtle Dove, the Rain Dove, the Carolina Pigeon, and the Carolina Turtle Dove. It's quite ubiquitous, and in fact, is the most common bird in North America.

It's called "mourning" because of its doleful, plaintive cooing.

However, it has another reason to be mournful. See, it's the number one gamebird in North America, with upwards of 20 million shot each year for sport or food (I heard sometimes the total can reach as high as 70 million in certain years).

I didn't shoot this one. It looked too pretty sitting on a fence in a residential area. Besides, I didn't have a rifle with me. So I shot it anyway ... with my camera.

Canada Goose Encounter

Canada geese are pretty birds, and they're generally not hostile when you approach them. They let you get only so close, though, before they walk away from you.

And so it was a different adventure when I spotted some Canada geese in the playground yard of my grandson's school in San Jose. We'd gone there to watch him celebrate his fourth birthday in class.

After the classroom session, we were headed back to the car when I saw the geese about a hundred yards away. Readying my camera, I quickly moved in closer. Most of the geese began walking away.

Except for this one brave fellow. With his head held high, he began walking toward me. I've learned that as long as geese and swans walk toward you without stretching their necks forward along the ground, you're okay. Once they start doing that, they definitely have evil (or protective) intentions.

So, I started snapping, just in case. When I got to within 20 feet, down went the head, out stretched the neck, and backward did I begin walking. Forget the picture-taking. Faster came the goose. I gave up, turned around and trotted away.

I'm no fool. I value the flesh on my legs.

So ... What's the Use?

I'm serious. If you're going to eat ice cream in the first place, why settle for less than the creamiest, yummiest you can find? Forget the "skinny" stuff made with non-fat milk.

If you're not supposed to eat ice cream, then don't eat it. Don't try to fool your taste buds; they're only going to rebel on you someday and then you're going to pig out on the real stuff.

If you want ice cream, eat ice cream. If you can't eat ice cream, then don't. It's as simple as that.