Random Musings 38

If you stare into space and let your mind wander, is that multi-tasking?

* * * * *

If corn seeds join the army, do they become kernels?

* * * * *

Is it true that you can’t plant a flower garden if you haven’t botany?

* * * * *

What if beavers no longer gave a damn?

* * * * *

If your mind always wanders, are you exercising?

* * * * *

I tried to write a pun using the word “tended,” but then realized there’s no pun in “tended.”

* * * * *

If your phlegm floats, is it phlegm-buoyant?

* * * * *

Why does quicksand work so slowly?

Random Musings 37

Does it make sense for a female ghost to wear a see-through negligee? 

* * * * *

I just realized that when I ripped a hole in my fishing net, I ended up with fewer holes than before.

* * * * *

If a predator retires, does it become a post-dator?

* * * * *

Do people with magnetic personalities gain weight because they get stuck to the refrigerator?

* * * * *

Is a fictional saga about seafaring oranges a ... naval navel novel?

A Candle Warms the Heart

When I was a cub reporter trainee for the Copley Los Angeles newspaper chain, my third posting was at the Burbank Daily Review.

My primary job was to write obituaries, of which there at least two a day. The work consisted of calling the local funeral parlors and gathering the information about the recently departed.

I took this responsibility seriously, and within a couple of days became a fairly good obit writer. So much so that the city editor sent me to cover the funeral of a noted courtroom lawyer. As I didn’t keep a copy of the story, I don’t remember his name.

But ... but, I do remember the words in his eulogy “He was a candle whose light punched holes in the dark.” I used the quote in my story, and it became part of the headline. To this day, I’ve never forgotten it.

When I began creating memes for my Facebook page, one of my first was based on that quotation. Recalling and retrieving that meme was a very emotional moment, as memories escaped and a renewed spirt overwhelmed me.

And I’ve come to love candles and what they represent — brightness when all seems dark and forlorn, guiding illumination that helps us find our way when we’re lost, a fragile treasure whose light must be protected from the elements.

Candles make occasional appearances in my life of memes, knocking on the doors of my mind and crowding into my thoughts.

I’ve added them to my album of inspiring and positive memes ...

To my album of song-lyric memes ...

And even my album of daily coffee memes (I should create more of these) ...

Now it’s YOUR turn. Light your own candle, venture into the dark, and start punching holes.

Random Musings 36

Why is baked pronounced “baik-t,” when naked is pronounced “naik-ed”? Since they’re spelled alike, shouldn’t they sound alike?

* * * * *

Do electric cars have a stronger sticker shock?

* * * * *

Are greedy clams shellfish?

* * * * *

If your toadstool farm is successful, expands, and makes a lot of money, would you say it’s mushrooming?

* * * * *

If you get hitched at a 7-Eleven, is it a marriage of convenience?

* * * * *

If you’re dating a bakery chef and he ghosts you, have you been desserted?

* * * * *

In the word “scent,” is it the “s” or the “c” that’s silent?

Random Musings 35

If good judgment comes from experience, how can experience come from poor judgment?

* * * * *

A train station is where trains stop, and a bus station is where buses stop. So what happens at a work station?

* * * * *

Are people who read the Bible more when they get older cramming for a final exam?

* * * * *

If we took the sponges out of the ocean, would the oceans get any deeper?

* * * * *

Would lightning go faster if it didn’t zigzag?

* * * * *

If a chameleon can’t change color, does it have a reptile dysfunction?

* * * * *

If you totally understand the health benefits of eating dried grapes on a regular basis, then tell others about it, would you call that raisin awareness?

* * * * *

Why get angry at lazy people? They haven’t done anything, have they?

* * * * *

If an Italian chef dies, does he pasta way?

Random Musings 34

Shouldn't a lecture on diarrhea be called a "running commentary"?

* * * * *

I’ve stayed up nights wondering what color a Smurf would turn if you choked him.

* * * * *

So, if frog’s legs, ‘gator tail, and snake taste like chicken, I wonder what chickens think we taste like.

* * * * *

What are male ladybugs called, anyway? Gentleman bugs?

* * * * *

You know how they make such a big deal about the first baby born on New Year’s Day? What if its head pops out at 11:59:59 p.m. on New Year’s Eve, and the rest of its body doesn’t come out until after 12 midnight? What day was s/he born on?

Random Musings 33

If a zombie opened a residence inn, would it be classified as a “dead and breakfast”?

* * * * *

I wonder if hummingbirds ever hold drag races.

* * * * *

Since I wear the pants in the family, why does my wife keep telling me which pants to wear?

* * * * *

Say I wanted to buy a prosthetic leg, but didn’t have enough money to buy a brand-new one. Could I get one at a second-hand store? Or would I have to find a second-leg store?

* * * * *

What do mummies do when they have to take a dump? Unwrap?

Random Musings 32

What if a baby is born with WiFi already installed? Are the older kids in the family outdated, and must they be upgraded?

* * * * *

Do framers bring their friends and families to art museums to show off their work?

* * * * *

When a worm put on a fishing hook as bait drowns, is it the responsibility of the fisherman to give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and save its life?

* * * * *

If child psychology books work so well, why don’t we let the children read them?

* * * * *

I just realized why you can’t tell time on a circular thermometer … it has no small hand.

Random Musings 31

Question in search of an answer: How come my fingers don’t move faster when I step on the pedal while playing the piano?

* * * * *

Why do little kids with the most future ahead of them don’t seem the least bit worried about their future?

* * * * *

Since I have a really, really short haircut (a buzzer), why do I have to keep using expensive shampoo instead of just plain ol’ bar soap?

* * * * *

I wonder why my idea for a 100% solar-tanning bed didn’t fly?

* * * * *

When snails get tired, do they come out of their shell? Or do they just get sluggish?

Random Musings 30

What if, for my funeral, I prearranged for a closed-casket ceremony, and for the organist to slowly play “Pop Goes the Weasel” … pausing for three seconds before the final line?

* * * * *

Do newspaper comic characters still only dream in color on Sundays?

* * * * *

When Tiger Woods was an international golf champion and an in-demand celebrity, did he have to wash his own balls?

* * * * *

If I wanted to have a vegetarian meal, what’s wrong with a steak or a hamburger? Aren’t cattle vegetarians?

* * * * *

Do parrots and mynahs that grow up speaking “foreign” languages translate what they want to say into English before talking?

Random Musings 29

If we ever become a paperless society, where are house dogs going to poop?

* * * * *

I went to bed and fell asleep last night; then when I woke up, it was seven hours later. Did I just time-travel?

* * * * *

Smoke signal = American Indian wireless, right? What if it’s a windy day? Would they have to use a landline?

* * * * *

How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave oven waiting for it to preheat?

* * * * *

I wonder if there’s such a thing as “red-neck Egyptians” who lived in the south of Egypt, and if so, did they wrap up their mummies in duct tape?

Random Musings 28

Technology hardly supports religion, right? But if tech isn’t religion, they why are people always praying to their cell phones?

* * * * *

If politics is the second oldest profession and prostitution is the first, how can you tell the difference between the two?

* * * * *

Does the proliferation of phone cameras lessen the incidence of spotting UFOs?

* * * * *

How come the fast-food restaurants like Burger King, Wendy’s, McDonalds don’t sell hot dogs? Are they being snobbish?

* * * * *

If you sink slowly into quicksand, it gives you lots of time to think about why they named it that. Right?

 

Random Musings 27

Won’t showing guts in battle end up with me showing guts in battle if I lose?

* * * * *

Could it be that speaking in the present tense only makes the present tense?

* * * * *

So, tell me, what would happen if I unbutton my belly button?

* * * * *

When I get old and die, will I live to regret it?

* * * * *

I wonder if companies that make colonic enema kits ever get behind in their work and fall into arrears.

 

Random Musings 26

I just thought of something: Wouldn’t school be easier if they taught us stuff we already know? We’d all get better grades.

* * * * *

Instead of just tossing their shed skins, why don’t baby snake start using their siblings’ hand-me-downs?

* * * * *

Will the children of kids today have smaller eyes evolved from their generation having to peer at a lot of small telephone and watch screens?

* * * * *

Is a limousine the only kind of automobile a long sausage dog can fit in?

* * * * *

When the wife irritates me, I want to put her out to pasture. But we live in a residential zone and I can’t do that.

Random Musings 25

What does one do when one wants a 10-gallon hat but has an 11-gallon head?

* * * * *

If one has only so many meals left in life, shouldn’t one enjoy each meal and try not to fall behind?

* * * * *

When a dog sniffs a fire hydrant, tree, or telephone pole, is it checking its social media?

* * * * *

Those little voices in my head – could they be the fleas planning their next attack? Do you think I need to wash my hair again?

* * * * *

Don’t you wish our lives had remote controls so we wouldn’t have to get up and do it ourselves?

Random Musings 24

How does one prevent having second thoughts? Wait, let me think about that again.

* * * * *

What can I do to remember how “mnemonics” is spelled?

* * * * *

Do horny male sheep hang around the shearing station waiting for the female sheep to come out without their fleece?

* * * * *

Why do so many people want to be one of a kind? Don’t they know they’ll just join the ranks of all the “one-of-a-kind”-ers?

* * * * *

If bees are THAT busy (i.e., “busy as a bee”), why don’t they just stop and smell the roses?

Random Musings 23

Is it possible for vampires to take “selfies”?

* * * * *

If Snuffleupagus is Big Bird’s imaginary friend that only he can see, how come I can see him too?

* * * * *

Did Harry Houdini have any pets? And if so, were they always escaping?

* * * * *

Even if male pattern baldness is inherited, can we pick our own pattern?

* * * * *

If a snowman copies his butt on a Xerox machine, will anything show up in the copy?

Random Musings 22

If alligators have trouble getting up in the morning, can you say they have “reptile dysfunction”?

* * * * *

I wonder if a mumbler’s typing is illegible as well.

* * * * *

When the hard of hearing vacuum their floors, how do they know the vacuum cleaner is on?

* * * * *

I know a little karate and some judo. Does that make me a partial artist?

* * * * *

How come we pay to have the tires on our cars rotated when they rotate all by themselves every time we take the car out for a drive?

Random Musings 21

I was wondering … since I have insomnia, would hibernation be boring?

* * * * *

I’m confused. If I move from Hawaii to California during the summer when it’s three hours earlier over there, would my 5 o’clock shadow become a 2 o’clock shadow? Or would it become an 8 o’clock shadow?

* * * * *

Shouldn’t dogs rub hand sanitizer (e.g. Purell) on their noses after they meet and “greet” new friends?

* * * * *

If I had X-ray vision like Superman, could I give myself a colonoscopy?

* * * * *

If I were a kid and got a part in an R-rated movie, how old would I have to be before they let me see how I did in the movie?

 

Random Musings 20

Why do people want to become as old as possible, while at the same time try to be as young as possible?

* * * * *

Is it too stupid to go to a museum's information desk and ask, "What's new?"

* * * * *

I wonder if ghosts switch from sheets to quilts when the weather turns cold.

* * * * *

Would a pimple in a dimple even out your cheek?

* * * * *

Where did Paul Bunyan poop anyway? Did they make giant toilets in those days?