Big Ol' Bufo

There I was, sprawled out on my director's chair outside, quietly reading a book on my iPad, not bothering anybody, a mug of hot green tea steaming alongside me.

The wife was raking up some stray leaves that had fallen from the mango tree alongside our driveway ... skritch skratch went the little bamboo rake on the asphalt. Then, she stopped.

"There's a dead toad between the orchid pots," she advised me. Instead of just raking it up into the pan and tossing it under the mango tree, she had chosen to involve me in the situation. "Can you throw it in the rubbish bin for me?"

See, she expected me to pick it up, put it in a plastic bag, roll up the bag, and throw it away for her. I don't blame her, actually. Have you ever come across a dead toad in the road, one that was squished by a car several days earlier? It really smells bad.

Be that as it may, I told her to give me the rake and dust pan and I'd throw it under the tree to provide nutrients for the plants and whatever else lurked there at night. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, y'know.

But when I rolled it into the dustbin, the freaking thing came to life, righting itself, striking a pose and staring me right straight in the eye. Wow, what an ugly bugger! Toads aren't my favorite animals, but they ARE pretty fascinating. They just lumber about in their dark black-brown ugliness, looking fierce and menacing.

They're not, y'know ... fierce and menacing, that is. But they do have a defense. They exude a milky white substance from the pores of their ugly warty skin. And that liquid is poisonous. Back in 1935, the Australians imported cane toads from Hawaii in an effort to control cane beetles.

Whoops! Think about it. The beetles fed on leaves ('way up on the plant), and toads live on the ground ('way down near the plant). The result? No impact at all on the cane beetles. However, the toads proliferated and animals that preyed on them would be poisoned and die ... especially pet dogs. Yikes!

Ah, but I digress. We let that toad live and for all I know it's still there among the orchid pots munching away on insects. And that's as it should be.

Bravo, Big ol' Bufo!

Taking Things Literally

Maybe that's my problem too!

Hilo Days: J. Akuhead Pupule

A few years ago, I had a website that I called “Hilo Days,” a chronicle of my life in Hilo on the Big Island of Hawaii. I’d written a limited edition book that I gave only to members of my immediate family, and later put the whole shebang up on a Geocities website.

When the free websites finally went away, mine disappeared. But I did keep the HTML and the stories themselves. I guess this is as good a place as any to share some of the stories … that is, until I get up the energy to start a dedicated blog and run the stories there.

So, here’s the first:

J. Akuhead Pupule

Hal Lewis was better known as J. Akuhead Pupule ("Aku" for short) when he was alive. Back in the B.R. (NOTE: “Before Riverside” School) days, I remember him coming to Hilo and putting on a show. I think it was at Hilo Airport. It's a little hazy but I do recall a man standing by us who had only one thing to say about Aku: "Boy, is he ugly!"

I mention Aku for only one reason. He used to have a kiddie program on the radio that served as a sort of afternoon "story time" for us kids. Many was the time that I broke off from the football game in the street (but we HAD to play in the street, there was nowhere else, and we didn't have television) to rush into the house and listen to Aku's story.

Sometimes, I forgot. Those days were simply ruined.

The stories themselves turned out to be inconsequential. I don't remember a single one. The thing that stuck with me throughout the years was his traditional sign‑off. Aku used to say: "If you no can say nothing nice about somebody, then no say nothing at all."

Good advice, and strongly reinforced by many others as the years passed. I still try to follow his advice.

Daylight Saving Time

Hawaii is immune from such shenanigans as Daylight Saving Time. When most of the United States (there are a couple of exceptions) had to move their clocks an hour forward before bedtime on Saturday night, we were spared once again from having to mess with our clocks.

Oh yeah? Unfortunately, somebody forgot to put in the order.

Our electricity went off around 4 a.m. yesterday morning and stayed off for several hours. So the wife and I went out to breakfast since we couldn’t cook. Lemme tell you, Zippy’s McCully was packed to the gills with people having Sunday breakfast, probably because they also couldn’t cook at home.

When we returned home, our power was back on; apparently it returned not long after we went out.

Which is all well and good, except that there were a few digital clocks that had to be reset. About the only ones that maintained the right time were the cable boxes. All the rest either were blinking or displayed the wrong time.

Guess who had to reset our clocks?

So haha to me, you mainland folks can stop laughing now.

Anniversary of Japan’s Earthquake and Tsunami

The 9.1 magnitude earthquake that hit Japan a year ago today was the fourth largest in recorded history, and much of the world takes pause today to recall the images that flooded the airwaves and Internet following the devastation in northern Japan.

Today, the Japanese economy is on the rebound – modest, perhaps, but on the rebound for sure, with a growth in its gross domestic product showing a 2-3% increase since before the earthquake.

The country seems to have survived the ensuing nuclear crisis and is slowly rebuilding, although some hard-hit areas are still in a mess.

There’s a lot of detritus and debris swept into the ocean by the tsunami, rubbish and memories that are due to hit Hawaii’s shores and the U.S. West Coast. Some of it may have already reached America’s Pacific shores, but the bulk is still out there.

When will it reach Hawaii’s beaches? Scientists believe it will be less than a year from now.

It’ll be sad to see the debris wash up on shore – so many memories, not mine … so many lost lives, no one I knew … so many hopes and dreams dashed, thankfully not mine. But I will be sad, for … them.

Toonder ‘n Lightning

It’s been rocking and rolling above many states in the U.S. this past week, and Hawaii was right in the middle of it – well, maybe not right in the middle, more like out there on the left side of the map.

The biggest impact of the thunderstorms came on Monday night when I was rousted out of a pre-sleep calm at about 8:30 p.m. The TV was on, I was totally relaxed with the sound of the light rain pattering on the roof, when all of a sudden it sounded like our neighbor’s house had blown up.

A huge, deafening boom rocked my bedroom wall and I literally lifted an inch or so up the bed. It’s a good thing I’m not incontinent, or it would have been sheet-changing time. The rest of the night, all I could do was listen to the growing frequency of rumbles.

The thing about the a-bomb blast next door was that it didn’t just stop with the boom … the rumble continued rumbling for at least 10 seconds. That may not seem like a long time, but believe me, it’s like a 10-second earthquake and seems to go on forever.

And then, just when it looked as though three days of rain were enough, it all came back yesterday.

We live at a higher elevation, and there’s no river nearby, so we didn’t have to be concerned about the nearly constant flash flood warnings that crawled above the picture on our TV sets. And thankfully, even the occasional “waterfall” that springs out of our stone wall at the back of the house didn’t materialize.

But we sure got a lot of rain. And lots of sturm und drang. Ja, ja.

Random Musings 15

If a snowman goes through airport security, I wonder if they’ll make him fit into a three-ounce bottle.

* * * * *

I wonder why anyone would go to a coffee house and drink espresso when they want to relax and calm down.

* * * * *

Why hasn’t anybody invented an electric fork that will cook food between your plate and mouth? Wouldn’t it save a lot of time?

* * * * *

Casey Kasem used to say “Keep your head in the clouds and your feet firmly planted on the ground.” But if I did that, how would I get my pants off?

* * * * *

I wonder … what would happen if I made apple pie ala mode with chocolate ice cream, would it then become “apple pie ala mud”?

Stringing Along

A recent conversation in the Miyamoto household:

Wife: Can you find some string for me?

Me: Sure! What kind?
Wife: Just some string.
Me: You want twine? Or cord?
Wife: Yes, any kind.
Me: Which is it you want? String or twine or cord?
Wife: No matter. It’s all the same to me.

Well, dear lady, at the risk of being a nerd (oh what the hell, I already AM a nerd. And a geeky one at that), they aren’t the same thing. To wit:

·         String is material twisted together to form a thin length.

·         Twine is strong thread of two or more strands twisted together.

·         Cord is strong strands woven together into a length.

·         Rope is heavy cord.

And that’s about the size of it.

Oh, except that the largest twine ball ever assembled is 41 feet six inches around. It is displayed at Ripley’s Believe It or Not in Branson, Missouri. Apparently this millionaire – J.C. Payne of Valley View, Texas, had nothing better to do than build the darned thing. It took four years.

I kid you not.

Beyond the Mist

Come stroll with me, there is a place

Where we can wander in a mist

That raises high in reach of heaven,

Lifting from the liquid kiss.

Floating over that verdant glade

Where streaking swords of soft-dew light

Shine there to guide us on the path

Now lined with blossoms glowing bright.

We’ll sit aside the waterfall,

Beside the crystal frothing wet,

Cushioned by the velvet moss,

Offered there for us to set.

Our thoughts will smile as there we lie,

And lay our cheeks upon the green,

To hear the power of its roar,

To marvel at this glorious scene.

The blue cascade – so fresh and pure,

With emerald robes that watch it flow,

It soothes, refreshes, gives us pause,

And smiles with lacy foamy glow.

Here we embrace and cheek the mist

That dews in droplets on our eyes,

We kiss away the moisture sweet

And claim the moistened lips for prize.

We groom the soft moss from our hair,

Rejoicing at this beauty call,

And dance beyond the shadow of

The power of the waterfall.

I wrote this poem during a reflective moment in January 2005.

OrGREENic Non-Stick Pan

Hey! I broke down and got me one of those OrGREENic non-stick sauté pans. Y’know, the one they advertise on television. The one with the green ceramic coating.

It’s a 10-incher that cost me exactly $26.13 ($24.95 for the pan, and $1.18 for state excise tax). Not too bad, most non-stick pans cost about that much.

I’d thought about going online and buying it from their website, but then I’d end up with two pans, which kind of commits you to the cause, right? Although, you do get a free cookbook and a “surprise gift valued at $20.” The only thing about the “free pan” is that you have to pay separate shipping and handling – their ploy that brings in an extra $6.99.

Do the math: One pan at $19.95, plus $6.99 shipping and handling, equals $26.94, about the same that I paid. Except that you have to get the second pan (they leave you no choice) for an additional $6.99. That’s $34.95 for the two pans. Not bad if you want two of them, for that works out to $17.48 per pan. Except that now you have two pans, and they pocket an extra seven bucks.

If I wanted to, I could have bought one on Amazon.com for $18.00. Unfortunately the shipping for one pan is $11.17, for a total of $29.17 for one pan. However, if I purchased something else and my purchases totaled more than $25.00, I could have gotten free shipping.

All this math is giving me a headache. The main thing is, I got to touchy-feel the pan, talk to the store manager, and walk out with it instantly, by visiting the “As Seen on TV” store.

So I paid sales tax? So what? I got to contribute two pennies (rounded up) to the Honolulu Rail Transit Project that more and more people seem not to want.

I tried it out this morning, and once you season it (easy ‘nuff to do), it works great! Better than the black non-sticks I already use.

OrGREENic … Look that up in your Funk & Wagnalls.