Tell Me a Story ...

Tell me a fact and I'll learn, tell me a truth and I'll believe. But tell me a story and it will live in my heart forever.

~ Karen Benz Scarvie, Founder, The Wooden Horse toy store

The reason I'm featuring this quotation is because I was watching an ESPN report on Steve Sabol, who with his father, Ed, created NFL Films. Sabol died a couple of months ago, and the episode was a tribute to his company.

NFL Films brought drama and personality to the professional football games that we saw each Sunday on television. Not only did the films document what happened on the field, they humanized the game and gave us an artistic presentation of what we thought we saw but didn't.

That's what the Sabols did ... they told stories. Ed Sabol cited the above quotation, as a guiding light, saying only that he'd heard it before. So had I, but until I actually researched it a little, I never knew the source.

Now I do ... and so do you.

Early Warning Signs Detected

According to those who know a lot more than I do, there are five early warning signs that a person might become an Alzheimer’s victim. It’s a lot more people than you might think. More than five million develop the condition after age 65, but about 200,000 Americans in their 40s to 50s have been diagnosed.

It’s scary when you think of it. Of the five warning signs, I’ve exhibited all of them with greater frequency.

Short-Term Memory Loss: You know how sometimes you read something and then when someone asks you what you just read, you can’t remember? That happens to me. But it’s selective. Sometimes what I read stays with me for decades, sometimes it disappears in a flash.

Difficult Object Identification: This happens to me a lot. Many times, I just can’t find the right word. Take the word “antacid,” for example. Just today I was looking for a bottler of Pepcid and the wife asked what I was looking for. I had to say, “the white bottle of the pink pill thingies you suck on to help with stomach acid.” Sad.

Bad Misjudgments: Running red lights, for example. Recently it often doesn’t dawn on me that I’m at a red light, especially when I’m talking to the wife while driving. I’ve run a couple in the past year, and almost started moving on a couple of other occasions. And then, many times, I am startled into moving forward when I hear the driver behind me honking his/her horn because I didn’t notice the light had changed to green.

Change in Demeanor: They say one symptom is feeling anxious, confused, depressed, irritable or aggressive, easily upset or fearful. You probably withdraw from hobbies and social activities. That’s me. I thought I was just turning grumpy, but it’s true, I’ve put my beloved stamp-collecting aside and exchew going to social functions, meetings, and lunches with others.

Wibble Wobble Walking: The balance is going, slowly but surely. I find myself sometimes reaching for something to hold to steady myself. And I walk slower now, sometimes swaying a little from left to right and back again. I thought it was my prodigious stomach, weakened legs and sore hip, but then again, it might be something else.

So there you are. They say if you think you have Alzheimer’s then you can’t possibly have it. Maybe, maybe not. We’ll just have to see.

Redefinitions, Part 2

Here are the rest of the Washington Post’s winning submissions in their neologism contest where they asked readers to supply a new definition for a word by altering or deleting one letter.

· Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

· Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

· Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

· Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

· Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

· Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

· Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the big winner was …

· Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

USC-Notre Dame Redux

The University of Southern California Trojans take on the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame today, and I was reminded of a Wandering blog post I wrote on Monday, Dec. 8, 2008, about the game. It tells all about my relationship with the rivalry.

I’d like to rerun it today (edited and updated a bit) with hopes that USC can beat Notre Dame once again. Redshirt freshman Max Wittek will replace injured Matt Barkley, as he and Marqise Lee take on Heisman hopeful Monti Te’o … should be exciting.

 

The USC-Notre Dame Rivalry

I remember the first USC game I ever attended, in 1964.

This greatest of intersectional rivalries was first played in 1926, with the Irish winning 13-12. Three years later, they would play before the largest verified crowd in NCAA college football history – 112,912. Over the years, Notre Dame won 43 times, USC won 35 times (including last year), and there have been 5 ties.

The one and only USC-Notre Dame game I attended was a great one. My friend Earl Nitta (Hilo High School classmate) invited me to attend the game at the Los Angeles Coliseum. He told me to wear a white shirt, and loaned me another student’s ID card so I could get in at the student price.

The guy in the ID looked nowhere like me and I told Earl that. “Don’t worry,“ he said, “over here they can’t tell one of us from the other.” He was right, I zipped through the turnstile in a trice, excited that here I was, about to attend my first BIG college football game (the Honolulu Stadium only held 28,000; that day at the Coliseum, there were 108,000 people in the stands).

When I walked out of the tunnel, I was overwhelmed by the noise and the size of the crowd. I swear to God, I felt myself leaning forward and almost fell! I tell you, I was speechless. The crowd was magnificent! Tommy Trojan came riding out on Traveler, brandishing his sword! The USC band came marching out of the tunnel onto the field playing “Fight On,” the Irish band was in the stands playing the Notre Dame fight song, I had tears in my eyes, and I swear my knees were shaking.

THIS is what college football is all about.

Notre Dame was ranked #1 in the nation; they were undefeated and favored by 11 points. This was the legendary Ara Parseghian’s first year as their coach, and he had them at 9-0. John Huarte was the Irish quarterback, and he would end up winning the Heisman Trophy that year. His favorite target was Jack Snow, who went on to star for the Los Angeles Rams.

USC, coached by the legendary John McKay, was unranked, with a modest 6-3 record. But Trojan quarterback Craig Fertig overcame a 17-0 Notre Dame lead. Rod Sherman caught critical passes, Mike Garrett (he won the Heisman Trophy the following year) tore through the Irish line, and USC held strong against Notre Dame’s last-second desperation drive, winning 20-17.

Notre Dame’s national title hopes were crushed and they fell to #3 when the next ratings came out. The Trojans were optimistic that they would be in the Rose Bowl, but unfortunately, they didn’t make it that year.

Although I’ve been to other USC football games since, nothing will ever compare to my first big college football game experience in a big time venue between two storied big time universities, two future Heisman Trophy winners, and two marching bands playing the greatest fight songs in the world.

I've been a USC fan ever since, and I'm reminded of all this each year when USC plays Notre Dame. It brings tears to my eyes. Tradition is a wonderful thing, isn’t it?

And, I am forever indebted to Earl, God rest his soul.

Another Aphorism Smashed to Bits

These two never fail to make me laugh. He's so wise, that Earl is. Opal is no match for him (at least today).

My Christmas Gift Wish

I found what I want for Christmas ... a suit of Japanese armor like the ones the samurai wore into battle during the 8th-12th Century. It's classic stuff that I'd love to have gracing my hallway at home.

My dilemma is this: What kind of hint can I drop to the wife? I pointed it out to her when we visited the Gift Shop at the Japanese Cultural Center of Hawaii when we were there a couple of weekends ago for the Temari Gift Fair, but she didn't seem particularly impressed.

She doesn't know the price either. I purposely blocked her from seeing the price tag of $5,000. We missed the sale deadline so we can't get the 10% discount, but it still seems reasonable to me. After all, the black lacquered box is included.

Any ideas? Is it too early to be thinking about this? Or is this all a pipe dream?

Countdown to World’s End

In case you’ve forgotten (or haven’t been paying attention), we are a mere 30 days away from Armageddon. The world is supposed to end on Thursday, Dec. 21. This has been predicted by the Mayan Calendar, and recently discovered Maya text that confirms what scientists are calling the “end date.”

Dec. 21, 2012, is the day the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar stops, the end of a 5,125-year cycle. On that day, the Central American civilization predicts the Earth will experience cataclysmic and transformative events. Whether this means the start of a new era or the end of the world hasn’t been determined, but some predict a solar maximum (solar flare storm), or the effect of a black hole, or a collision with a large planetary object (Nibiru, aka Planet X).

According to astronomers, scholars and scientists, all this is bull – pseudoscience. But what is true is that the Earth, sun, and center of the Milky Way Galaxy will line up on this day, which they do every year.

Maybe so, but just to be on the safe side, make sure you tell all your family, friends, and especially your loved ones, that you love them.

Don’t dilly-dally about it. You have only 30 days. 

More Misplaced Price Tags

Oty doty, here are a few more pictures of price tags stuck in the most interesting positions on products found in stores. Were they misplaced? Or was the price-tagging employee in a particularly humorous mood that day?

 

You be the judge. (Warning, the pictures are sexual in nature and highly inappropriate for young children.)

 

A Nice Hotel Room Amenity

I was digging through some photos I'd put aside of my various trips to Las Vegas, and I found this one.

The Monte Carlo Hotel & Casino had some nice amenities in the room, in addition to the usual high-end bathroom soaps and lotions. I remember taking this picture, then going to the in-room survey and giving them high marks.

We've all been in hotel/motel rooms where coffee makers sit on a counter or on the desk, with single-cup sized bags of coffee (regular and decaf), but I've never seen a hotel with a Kuerig coffee maker there for the hotel guest. Every day, the housekeeping staff would leave two little Kuerig K-Cups for me.

Since I usually go out for breakfast and drink coffee in the restaurants, I gathered up the little cups to give to my son, who owns a Keurig brewer.

The other thing that they gave me was two bottles of water every day. Nice. Especially during the hot Las Vegas summer. Many's the time when I've paid $5 for a bottle of water in the room because I was dying of thirst and there was no place to get water without going downstairs and walking a mile to the liquor/soda/snack shop.

And everybody knows tap water in Las Vegas will give you the runs.

Laughable Ideas

If you have an idea about something and everybody laughs at you, go ahead and pursue it, because it means nobody else will.

Case in point: the Big Bang Theory. Everybody laughed at that one. Remember, he who laughs last, laughs best.

Case in point: the Hula Hoop. Now tell me, if your son (or daughter) came to you and said s/he made a plastic-tube ring that you could twirl around your middle, wouldn’t you laugh? I know I probably would. But remember, he who laughs last, laughs best.

Case in point: the Segway. How ‘bout a scooter with only two wheels that you balance on and move by leaning your body. Bwahahaha! Big laughs! But again, remember, he who laughs last, laughs best.

 

Voters Must Go Jump in the Lake

I learned the other day that long lines at polling places throughout the United States on Election Day were not the only problem that voters faced.

In one Minnesota precinct, voters would have to take a boat to vote if they wanted to stay afloat. (Hey, I could be a poet!) I’m talking about Minneapolis’ Ward 10, Precinct 3B. See, when the state was redistricted  recently, they created a completely water-soaked precinct on Lake Calhoun’s eastern side.

I kid you not!

Officials are blaming an unintentional mapping software programming error, something about the software being unable to draw a line along the eastern perimeter of the lake without connecting the points. They also said the map was supposed to be corrected in time for the election, but it never happened.

Talk about throwing water on the election. Sounds a little fishy to me.

An Enjoyable Reunion

(From left) Jim Boersema, Mark Zeug, Glenna Wong, Craig

Every now and then, a few of us from Professional Communications (ProComm) Public Relations, a subsidiary of the old Starr Seigle McCombs advertising and marketing agency in Honolulu, get together for dinner to remember, reminisce and recollect our good times together.

Last night was one of those nights ... we gathered at Assaggio Bistro in Kahala for a scrumptuous meal and exhilirating conversation that lasted nearly three hours, through two seatings of the restaurant.

It was fun catching up. Jim Boersema, former president, is still hard at work, very influential in politican and business circles. Mark Zeug, former executive vice-president, is long retired, yet active in a number of community efforts. Glenna Wong, former account supervisor, is a highly successful, sought-after pubic relations counselor.

And then there's me, another former executive vice-president and counselor. I'm retired (and also tired). We should do this more often.

This Morning's ... uh, Conversation

The wife was rushing to drive her mother, brother and herself to the dentist this morning for their semi-annual cleaning. But then, she stopped at the back door and the following “conversation” ensued: 

Wife: “Should I lock the door, or will you?”

Me: (Dumbfounded, looking up at the ceiling in silence)

Wife: “Well, will you or won’t you? Yes or no.”

Me: (Reluctant to waste my breath, maintaining my silence)

Wife: “Are you going to lock the door? Hurry, I’m going to be late!”

Me: (Unable to stand it any longer) “Instead of yammering on about it, you could have locked the door by now and been down the driveway already.” 

The doctor says the bruise on my arm should disappear in a week or 10 days.

Stupid Ruler of the Roost

See that big dove? The one the yellow arrow is indicating. That's the bully bird that comes around whenever I'm in a generous mood and begin feeding the doves that come flocking around our driveway.

He (or maybe it's a "she") has a habit of trying to chase away all the others from the bounty scattered about him. In fact, he spends so much time chasing that he misses out on most of the goodies. Meanwhile, the others just peck away at the crumbs or rice, fly off when he threatens them, then return nonchalantly soon after while he's preoccupied with another territorial intruder.

Being the alpha bird is hard work. Kind of reminds me of some people I know. They just can't see the forest for the trees.

Cute Pumpkins

This is no big deal, just a picture of some pumpkins that I found cute and interesting at the local Safeway Supermarket when the wife and I went shopping this weekend.

They're mini Baby Tiger Striped Pumpkins, which is kind of a redundant description, as "mini" and "baby" probably mean the same thing. But y'know, I'll overlook that this time.

They're pretty small, about three inches in diameter.

I just may have to go back and get me some of these, just for the helluvit.

More Groaners

I always make good on my threats! Here are a few more puns. You might have heard some of these before, but they’re clever just the same:

·         When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

·         Broken pencils are pointless.

·         I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

·         England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

·         I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·         I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

·         All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

·         I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

·         Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

·         A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

·         Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

 

Veteran's Day 2012

On this Veteran's Day, remembering my father, Dr. Robert M. Miyamoto, Captain in the U.S. Army during World War II, a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (MASH) physician, and subsequently, a beloved surgeon and physician in my home town of Hilo, Hawaii.

A Moving Commercial

Everytime I see the Pepsi commercial where University of Nevada, Reno, student Ivon Padilla-Rodriguez is awarded $100,000 by Dr. Pepper for her tuition, it just chokes me up.

You can just see how emotional she got when she won the first-place prize for throwing a football most accurately in a 30-second period at the 2011 Southeast Conference (SEC) championship game between Georgia and Louisiana State University.

What a wonderful accomplishment ... oh, not for being able to toss the football, but for ensuring she will be able to ease her family's financial burden and handle college tuition on her own.

I'm with you, Ivon. Congratulations.

And plaudits to the Dr. Pepper Million-Dollar Tuition Giveaway, which is again underway. If you or anyone you know wants to enter, the deadline for this year's competition (you have to submit a video telling why you deserve to win) is Thursday, Nov. 15.

Renovated Zippy's Now Open

Click on Picture for Larger View

Zippy's Moiliili Restaurant, which closed this summer for renovations, reopened last week, so the wife and I had breakfast there on November 4, the first Sunday it was open. You can tell how many people missed their neighborhood restaurant because he place was packed and there was a line out the door.

It was good to see familiar faces ... not just the wait staff, but dining friends as well. The wife sees more acquaintances at Zippy's than I do, but occasionally I'll see someone I know, or at least recognize. It's kind of a "this is my go-to place" kind of place.

Our waiter was Aka (Akalani), whom we saw a few times when we ate at the McCully location where he was temporarily stationed. It was like old times, except that the new restaurant is brighter and seems more spacious. The service counter is relocated, no longer right in the middle of the place. When you enter, the hostess' stand is to your left instead of right in front of you.

The result? The new booths pop right out at you. And that's a good thing.

The next day, we took her mother and brother to check out the new digs. And guess what? Aka was our waiter once again.

Home again, home again, jiggidy jig.

MSNBC Election Coverage Fan

I'm a fan of MSNBC's Presidential Election night coverage ... have been since the 2000 election when we all stayed up until the wee hours of the morning watching the drama unfold in Florida. George W. Bush conceded the election to Al Gore, then retracted his concession when it appeared the networks got their calls wrong, subjecting us to the pain of having to wait for a Supreme Court decision.

The election anchor at the time was Chris Matthews, the clear-headed analytic commentator who hosts "Hardball" on MSNBC. Man, was he good. He was polite to all of the guests, had cogent observations, guided the coverage well, and made me a fan not only of him, but his cable station as well.

Since then, I've watched his show off and on and believe me, he does play hardball. Hell, if I were on his program and he picked me apart the way he does some politicians and analysts, he'd probably make me cry, he's that good.

This past Tuesday night, I watched MSNBC's election night coverage once again. They had a terrific panel, of which Matthews was a member, but he wasn't the anchor. This time it was a woman who, quite frankly, I'd never heard of before – Rachel Maddow, host of the Rachel Maddow Show, a news/opinion program that airs every night on MSNBC.

She was the perfect host … she talked fast but clearly, everything she said led up to a logical point, and she expertly juggled guests, panelists, election calls and results, consequences, breaks. Everything was presently clearly and professionally, and her panelists were afforded every courtesy to express their views, analyses and opinions.

Now, I have to say I don’t watch MSNBC a lot, but when it comes to elections with national implications – especially presidential elections – I have come to depend on MSNBC. They leave me feeling mighty good about the American process when I turn off the tube.

Like I said, I’m a fan.

 

Do You Hear That?

Do you hear what I hear? Listen carefully ... it's the sound of NOTHING! The 2012 Presidential Election is finally over and we are all now spared from listening to any more political advertising. No more politics for a couple of years at least!

That sound you actually do hear is the echo of polls closing. If you live in Hawaii, you're especially grateful for that. The combative Linda Lingle-Mazie Hirono and Caldwell-Cayetano advertisements were about all you saw when you tuned in to local stations or opened the newspaper. More and more, over and over, ad nauseum.

Let me assure you, the country, the state, and the city are not going to hell in a handbasket, no matter what the opponents said about each other in their advertising, no matter what their supporters and detractors said in THEIR advertising. The sun came up today, and everybody went about their business.

We've had unhappy people since we started casting ballots (actually, before that), and the country has survived. The directions taken by our Presidents and their administrations have not brought the country to ruin. Our elected senators and congressmen, no matter how red or blue they are, no matter how liberal or conservative, will not make our lives hell.

The new mayor will run the city, and if he does a lousy job, he'll be kicked out of office in four years. Everything works out in the long run. Why?

There is a system in our government that we call "checks and balances." So long as cool heads prevail with the vision of what's good for the people, we will not go the way of the Roman Empire. We fight over political philosophies for a reason: We just want to see the right things done for the people of America. It's just that how we do it, and what we want, will never satisfy everybody.

So ... Good morning, America. Go outside and enjoy the sunshine. Give your ears a rest ... they deserve it.

Groaners

I love puns, I’ve always loved them. They’re supposed to be the lowest form of humor, but I think they’re clever.

I mean, who can’t help but laugh at these?

·         When chemists die, they barium.

·         Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

·         How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

·         This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

·         I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

·         I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

·         They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

·         PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

·         Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

·         We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

·         I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

·         Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

And, I don't care what you say, I'm going to post more at a later date.

Temari’s Trash & Treasure

Having nothing much to do yesterday, a rather downbeat Sunday after my Trojans got their patookies whipped by some Ducks on Saturday, the wife and I meandered over to the Japanese Cultural Center of Hawaii, where the Temari Center for Asian & Pacific Arts was sponsoring its 31^st annual Treasure gift fair.

 

Locally Created Pottery

We’d never been to one of these, but the JCCH isn’t too far from the house, so we decided to check it out. Besides, it gave us a good excuse to have breakfast at the newly renovated Zippy’s Moiliili Restaurant.

Locally Created Tee Shirts

It was interesting to walk among the booths at the little fair – lots of Japanese items (quilts, shawls, foods, trinkets, jewelry, kitchen stuff, lacquered boxes, shirts, outfits, pottery, collectibles, enamelware) … you name it, and it might have been there.

Traditional Kokeshi Dolls

They were giving out door prizes like crazy; once they started, it seemed they never stopped. Of course, our number was never called but what’s one to expect anyway?

If you wanted to go but didn’t know about it, or if it slipped your mind … too bad. It’s done with until next year. But maybe if you call Temari or check their website (www.temaricenter.org), you might get on their mailing list. We’ve bought New Year kadomatsu from them before, so we get notifications of their events.

Schitty Birthday Card

One of my sisters sent me this card on my birthday, and it cracked me up so much I just had to share it. I've actually heard this as a joke before in the days when email jokes were all the rage.

Two questions: Which Schitt is me? And, which Schitt is my sister?

*Fawz down laffinz*

Consumption vis-à-vis Availability

Have you ever heard the “law” that says work expands to fit the time allotted to it? It’s called Parkinson’s Law.

It’s true, you know, give someone five minutes to complete a task, and it’ll be completed in five minutes. Give that same person 10 minutes and it’ll take 10 minutes to complete the work. And so on, ad nauseum.

 

Well, I have a corollary to Parkinson’s Law: Consumption rises to meet availability. In other words, the more you have of something, the more you will use. Specifically, food products. Even more specifically, food products you buy at big-box stores like Costco.

For example, take cookies. Take as much as you want if you bought a monster jar from Costco. Nobody wants to throw away food, so you’ll eat and eat and eat your cookies until they’re all gone. Give some away, and the recipient will eat and eat and eat their cookies until they’re all gone. Put some away, but then you’ll find them and you’ll eat and eat and eat the stored cookies until they’re all gone.

If you buy a package of four steaks for four people and cook two of them then slice them up, the four diners will be satisfied with the equivalent of a half-steak each. But, if you cook all four, they will all be consumed by the same people. If you have more, you’ll eat more.

Having been enlightened, I no longer cook a pound of spaghetti at a time. I cook one-half to three-fourths of a pound. The extra half or quarter pound I put away for another use (like creamed tuna noodles or something like that).

I’m sure I save some money, but the best thing about not cooking everything at once is I don’t have to worry about what I’m having for a meal down the road. That, plus the refrigerator won’t be cluttered with little wrappings of leftovers that I’d have to dump anyway.

Vote Dagwood Bumstead for President!

I wish I'd seen this before I mailed in my ballot. Dagwood, Dagwood, he's our man; if anyone can do it, Dagwood can!

Holy Halloween Bat-Cat!

On my last trip to Las Vegas, I stopped by the Las Vegas Natural History Museum (as I've mentioned too many times before), simply because I enjoy looking at what they have there. Invariably I notice something I never did before.

This time it was a turtle skull. The funny thing is, when viewed from a certain frontal angle, it looks ike a bat with a cat's face. Those "eye pupils" are actually holds in the bottom of the jaw, and they just so happen to be visible from the nasal openings in the front.

Back where the "ears" appear to be is where the turtle's eyes are situated (I think; I could be wrong, and if I am, I'm sure one of you will correct me. Please do.)

This has been holding on ice for a while; I wanted to share it with you in the spirit of the season, on this day after Halloween.

I'm telling you, if you haven't been to the Las Vegas Natural History Museum, you really ought to visit it the next time you're there.