Neologism (?) Winners

Someone just sent me an article about winners in the Washington Post’s annual neologism contest, where readers supplied alternate meanings to commonly used words.

These are funny, but I need to tell you the list was published 17 years ago, in 2005. So they might already be familiar. A few may offend some of you, but that is not my intent in running the list.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddis
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

(BTW, a “neologism” is a new word or new usage of a word.)