More Order in the Court

And the madness continues. Here are more examples of ridiculous attorney-witness question and answers in our courts (from the book, Disorder in the American Courts).

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m going with male.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

* * * * *

And that, my friends, is THAT! (Rimshot!)

 

 

Bumped Umps

“Moidah da bum! Youse is blind!”

Baseball fans love to take out their frustrations on the umpires. Especially on close calls.

Well, the St. Paul Saints took care of that recently. About a month and a half ago, the Independent American Association team got rid of all the umpires, using instead a “final arbiter,” a judge in black robe standing behind the mound.

No close calls without crowd feedback. A dozen Little League players were situated along the first- and third-base lines, and decided plays by raising “Safe” or “Out” signs. The catchers called the balls and strikes. If there was a dispute, the judge ruled.

In addition, as fans entered the game, 1,115 were given “Yes” and “No” placards. They became the team managers; when team officials held up a card with questions (e.g., “Steal?” or “Infield Back?”), they’d vote. The judge tabulated the results, which were relayed to a dugout coach through walkie-talkie.

However, the base jurors left their posts by the time the sixth inning rolled around and the judge had to assume total control.

Maybe it was past their bedtime?

I love minor league baseball promotions.

True Sign?

This sign popped out at me the other day when the wife and I were having lunch at Bubba Gump's and I reflected on a similar sign I'd seen when I was heavily involved in the printing business.

That sign read, "Good, Fast, Cheap ... Pick Two." And it's as true today as it was then. Just like the Bubba Bump sign, you can't have it all.

If you want something that's good and cheap, it's not going to get to you fast. If you want something good and fast, it's not going to be cheap. And if you want something fast and cheap, it's not going to be good.

Back to Bubba Gump. They are implying you can't have all three. Not there, you can't. But ... but ... but, of course, you do realize they meant it as a joke. They do a pretty good job balancing the three. I have no complaints.

Queen's Medical Center Artifacts

King Kamehameha IV and Queen Emma

While wandering the halls looking for the hospital's dining room so I could get a bite of breakfast while waiting for the wife's surgery to be completed, I chanced upon a glass case of artifacts.

Included among the Queen's Medical Center memorabilia were two sheets of paper documenting (1) the hospital's surgical record of March 1910 and (2) a list of the hospital's trustees from 1883-1885.

Being an old-paper collectible fanatic, I just had to take pictures of these fascinating items:

List of Trustees, 1883-1885

Surgical Record, 1910

The hospital, of course, was named after Queen Emma (Emma Kalanikaumakaʻamano Kaleleonālani Naʻea Rooke), the royal consort of King Kamehameha IV (Alexander ʻIolani Liholiho). After her husband died, she ran against King Kalakaua (David Laʻamea Kamanakapuʻu Mahinulani Nalaiaehuokalani Lumialani Kalākaua) to be Hawaii's ruling monarch, but she lost the election.

It's a good thing the royal Hawaiians didn't have their names printed on the back of their football jerseys. Oooo, sorry, that just slipped out.

Haircut Detour in Offing

Arriving at Ala Moana Shopping Center yesterday for my month haircut, I saw these signs at the Pensacola Street entrance to the center.

My favorite and most convenient entry point, which leads almost directly to Thom's Barbershop, is going to close for good the day after Independence Day. After that, I'll have to make a major detour and do a lot more left-right-left-right turning to get to the barbershop.

This is all due, of course, to the closing of Sears, one of the center's original anchor stores. One doesn't realize how large a space it occupied on the ewa end, but a drive-by on the street level is an eye-opener. Plus, it's three levels.

A new assortment of tenants will take over the site, which I believe will be enlarged and reconfigured. More money for the owners of the mall, I guess.

As for me, I'll have to reconfigure my route to get my hair cut from now on.

Where Hawaii Ranks 20

Here are more lists of where Hawaii ranks in various categories of comparison with other states and countries. Yep, it’s true, we’re expensive. Even when we use less electricity than other states, we still pay more because of the high rates.

Lowest Per Capita Energy Use (U.S Energy Information Administration, 2010)

1. California (6.721 kilowatt hours)
2. HAWAII (7.363 KWH)
3. Rhode Island (7.434 kwh)
4. New York (7.467 kwh)
5. Alaska (7.952 kwh)

Highest-Priced U.S. Cities to Visit during Summer 2012 (TripAdvisor, 2012)

1. Honolulu, HI ($504.74 for a one-night stay at a four-star hotel, plus dinner, wine, and round-trip taxi)
2. New York, NY ($504.25)
3. Boston, MA (473.59)
4. San Francisco, CA ($471.89)
5. Chicago, IL ($448.45)

Highest Occupancy Rate, Sun Destinations, First Quarter 2013 (Smith Travel Research)

1. OAHU, HI (86.2%)
2. Phuket, Thailand (86.1%)
3. MAUI, HI (80.2%)
4. Maldives (77.2%)
5. KAUAI, HI (73.2%)
6. BIG ISLAND, HI (72.6%)

Least-Affordable Place to Buy a Home (Nerdwallet.com, 2013)

1. HONOLULU, HI (Average home costs 8.92 years of current median household income)
2. San Jose-Sunnyvale-Santa Clara, CA (8.17 years)
3. San Francisco-Oakland-Fremont, CA (7.93 years)
4. New York-Wayne-White Plains, NY-NJ (6.77 years)
5. San Diego-Carlsbad-San Marcos, CA (6.73 years)

Worst Teaching Degree Programs (National Council on Teacher Quality, 2013)

1. University of Hawaii at Hilo, and University of Hawaii at Manoa (tied with 155 other nationwide colleges and universities with elementary and secondary school degree programs)

Queen's Medical Center Room Service

What? Did I just say room service? As in ordering food from a beautifully printed menu? Just like you'd do in a fancy hotel room?

Yes, that's what I said. The Queen's Medical Center has a room-service menu. If your doctor hasn't ordered a special diet while you're in there, you can call them up and order whatever you like. They even know your room number when you call, even though you've just been moved there.

The meal will be delivered within 45 minutes or less, and if a family member wants to order a meal, they can do that as well (but you have to get a guest tray voucher from the cafeteria or deli). Calls to the kitchen extension can be made from the room, but say you just talked to a family member on the phone and mentioned what you want to eat. The family member can call their outside line and order for you.

They offer full-on breakfasts (omelets, breakfast meats, fruit, cereals, pastry, yogurt), liquid or pureed diets, broths, soups, deli sandwiches, grilled sandwiches, hot entrees (Mac and Cheese, chili, pot roast, meatloaf, turkey, chicken pot pie and more), Asian stir fry, Italian dishes, ramen, beverages and desserts.

Outstanding! It isn't a four-star restaurant, but hey, they're trying hard.

Order in the Court

You may have seen these before – maybe in an email, maybe on a website, maybe even on Facebook. But I think they’re funny enough to bear repeating. According to the email I got, these are from the book, Disorder in the American Courts.

And they swear these are true stories gleaned from the records of actual court reporters.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18^th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did ou actually pass the bar exam?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8^th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at the time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

* * * * *

Okay, that’s enough. I can’t stand it any longer, so I’ll continue this at another time.

Alas, Poor Yorick ...

While keeping the wife company during her recent sojourn at Queen's Medical Center, I wandered around the Neuroscience display adjacent to the waiting area.

I spent my time in the wife's room, but since the display was just across the hall from the restroom, it's only natural that I would wander over to see what that skull was all about.

The display is about "trepanning," or the drilling of holes in one's skull to fix what's underneath (like the brain). Trepanning has been around since 40,000 B.C., and is a procedure still being used today. Those are drill heads on the left.

But soon after I read the description, I couldn't help wondering what the name was of the person whose skull was on display. I mean, it must be very satisfying to know your body parts are being used for educational purposes. I doubt the skull's owner would know that right now, but it would be nice to pay him/her some personal respect.

Alas, poor Someone, I didn't know him well ...

I Get a Peaceful, Easy Feeling

One good thing about connecting between Honolulu and San Jose (in spite of the three-hour layover at Kahului Airport on Maui) is the view from the plane as you pass over Maui for a landing.

Just outside our window was this beautiful view of Kahului Bay, with the town of Kahului on the right, just outside the picture.

It just confirms my belief that Hawaii can be among the most beautiful places in the world.

As we say here, "Lucky you live Hawaii."