The Zombie Apocalypse Store

The last time I was in Las Vegas, driving on Charleston to the Red Rock Casino where I was to spend the next few nights, I passed the Zombie Apocalypse Store at the corner of Charleston and Polaris.

I wanted to get to the hotel without stopping, so I snapped a picture through my windshield, fully expecting to return here and check it out.

Well, zombie memory that I have, I forgot. So I'm just going to have to check it out the next time I go there.

Stay tuned!

Good Luck to Us All

Holy Good Grief. The day has arrived - the day the Mayans predicted the Earth will undergo a major transformation. Today. December 21, 2012, the day movies were made about. Are we doomed? Will we ever survive to see tomorrow? Will Left Field Wander ever post another entry?

Tune in tomorrow and see if we're still here.

Did the ‘Well’ Run Dry?

Photo by Craig Miyamoto

One of the spots I love to visit whenever I’m on the Big Island of Hawaii is beautiful Rainbow Falls. I never fail to snap a few pictures of the natural wonder with its steady stream of water falling like an alabaster veil over a huge cave.

Legend has it that Hina, the Hawaiian moon goddess, lived in the open cave. Her son, Maui, the powerful demi-god, lived with her, occupying much of the land along the Wailuku River’s northern shore.

I’ve seen the power of Rainbow Falls after a particularly long-lasting storm, and shivered at the roar of the Niagara-like waters as they plunged into the head of the Wailuku River. I’ve seen it peaceful, with two, sometimes three cascades; and I’ve also seen it when the water was barely a trickle.

Photo by Paul Miyasaki

But I’ve never seen Rainbow Falls run dry. Yesterday, Big Island resident Paul Miyasaki took some pictures of Rainbow Falls … and it was dry. For the first time I can recall, it ran dry. That’s more than 60 years in my memory.

It’s the result of a drought, but the Big Island has been through droughts before. So I wonder, could there be another reason? Is it a phenomenon that’s preceding Dec. 21, the reputed date when the Mayan calendar runs out?

Is it a sign that the Apocalypse is near? I sure hope not.

Countdown to World’s End

In case you’ve forgotten (or haven’t been paying attention), we are a mere 30 days away from Armageddon. The world is supposed to end on Thursday, Dec. 21. This has been predicted by the Mayan Calendar, and recently discovered Maya text that confirms what scientists are calling the “end date.”

Dec. 21, 2012, is the day the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar stops, the end of a 5,125-year cycle. On that day, the Central American civilization predicts the Earth will experience cataclysmic and transformative events. Whether this means the start of a new era or the end of the world hasn’t been determined, but some predict a solar maximum (solar flare storm), or the effect of a black hole, or a collision with a large planetary object (Nibiru, aka Planet X).

According to astronomers, scholars and scientists, all this is bull – pseudoscience. But what is true is that the Earth, sun, and center of the Milky Way Galaxy will line up on this day, which they do every year.

Maybe so, but just to be on the safe side, make sure you tell all your family, friends, and especially your loved ones, that you love them.

Don’t dilly-dally about it. You have only 30 days. 

Oh Poop, the Birds Are Back

You may have seen this story before, because it’s not new; it’s just that it’s back in the news now because of CNN’s broadcast story of the phenomenon yesterday. The birds are back! Black ravens by the thousands.

What is it about Kentucky that’s attracting hordes of ravens? They swarmed in Shelbyville during the spring of 2010, and now they’re swarming in La Grange.

Lots of them. And along with the birds comes bird poop. Lots of it. Some of the residents there said they have to run indoors when the birds arrive, and that the sound of their whitewash splattering on the ground, on their cars, on their roofs, and on their umbrellas sounds like rainfall.

‘Cept it ain’t rain. It’s more stinky.

Pastor Paul Begley, on the website, Rapture in the Air Now, calls gatherings such as this signs of Jesus’ coming. The “times of the Apocalypse” are upon us. I’m not sure he’s right, but then again, who knows for sure?

The swarm of birds? Or the swarm of religious opportunists? Which is worse?

Either way, it’s a sign that the Apocalypse is near. Shades of Alfred Hitchcock and Betty Boop! Good E-e-evening. Poop-poop-pi-doo!

What the fgfgfg?

Boy … just when I thought the Honolulu Star-Advertiser had gotten its act together, they go and let their guard down. Check out the horrible editing error that appeared in yesterday’s paper:

And this is one good reason why my personal habit of writing headlines BEFORE filing my story pays off. It doesn’t matter if you’re filing it in a manila folder after using a typewriter, or filing it in a computer desktop folder, or prepping your notes to save in your iPad, or filing the story with your editor at the local newspaper.

I know at some news outlets it’s common to use a holder headline with every good intention to insert the real one before the final layout is approved. But see, you gotta actually remove the holder and replace it, don’t you think?

The really bad thing is … think of how many people had a chance to catch the omission. Writer, page editor, layout artist, everybody. People, you have to check these things before they run. You just gotta proofread your work, because once in print, in effect, it’s as good as chiseled in stone.

Can you just imagine what Dave Carpenter would say if he saw this? I’m sure it’ll be a little more incredulous than “What the fgfgfg!”

News media inattention. It's just another sign that the Apocalypse is coming.

P.S. Thanks to my former colleague, Cindy Leong Goo, for the reminder heads-up.

Unintended Circumstances

Whenever a law is passed, you can count on one thing. There will be ramifications, what are called "unintended circumstances." This has been illustrated time and again in the past.

The best example is Prohibition. Although well-meaning and probably a good thing for the health of the nation and its populace, all it did was result in the biggest crime spree the nation had experienced to date. The mob went wild selling the illegal hootch.

Then, in more recent memory, the slapping on of tax after tax on the tobacco industry resulted in hijackings of cigarette shipments, smuggling from foreign countries, and some abrogation of business rights, all of which were passed on to the non-smoking consumer in the form of higher prices on everything, and higher taxes.

So it was with some concern that I read a story in today's paper about Australian passports now providing a third option when it comes to gender identification: Indeterminate, to be identified with an "X" instead of an "F" for female, or "M" for male.

The unintended circumstance (the difficulty in determining a persons's gender) was created by the success of transgender operations and identity changes, unisex clothing and hairstyles, and the increase in security at a country's entry and jumping-off points because of the terrorism threat.

Nobody said it was going to be easy; it's just too bad this has to be done.

It's just another sign of the approaching Apocalypse.

A Tweet Offer

I’m a little late on this one, but I just read about it in a doctor’s waiting room.

See, there’s this Dutch porn star … Bobbi Eden. And she’s apparently a big soccer fan, especially of the Netherlands team that got into the semifinal game against Uruguay in the recent World Cup in South Africa.

But she may have taken it a little too far in support of her “Go Orange” team.

She had about 4,000 followers on Twitter (y’know, the social networking website where you post thoughts in chunks of 140 words or less). Then she tweeted an announcement promising something to all her followers if Holland won the World Cup.

Four days later, on July 10, her list of followers had ballooned to 72.926 tweeters.

I would guess they were 99% male. You know why? You know what she offered to give all her followers if Holland ended up Number 1?

Oral sex. And no, I did not join the list.

This is just another sign that the Apocalypse is near.

Keeping Abreast of Charities

Oh boy … here’s a slightly creepy "charity."

There’s a website called myfreeimplants.com where women can post photos of their needy chests, and wait for benevolent men to donate money that will be used to pay for breast implant surgery.

The guys benefit, of course – they can have private chats with the women they “sponsor,” if they pay a monthly membership fee as well.

Who in their right mind would do this? That’s what I asked myself. But … apparently the website has helped several hundred women find their “swell” new figures.

This is just another sign that the Apocalypse is just around the corner.

Gained a Few? You’re Outta Here!

See, there’s this website – BeautifulPeople.com –a dating site launched in 2005. At the time, CNN called it the “sexiest website in the world today.”

The homepage sets the tone: “Do looks matter to you?” “Do you want to guarantee your dates will always be beautiful?” “No more filtering through unattractive people …”

Apply for membership, and current members will either vote you in, or give you the boot.

I couldn’t find membership numbers, but apparently it’s substantial, if the website can give the boot to 5,000 members.

Why did they lose their membership? Well you see, a bunch of the other members complained that some post-holiday posted photos showed weight gain.

“Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model,” said site founder Robert Hintze.

The banished former members could reapply, but only a few hundred were welcomed back by the remaining members with open arms. The rest of the 5,000 were directed back out the door.

Jeesh! It’s just another sign that the Apocalypse is just around the corner.

What Were They Thinking?

A Rosewood, North Carolina, Middle School teacher hit upon a scheme to raise funds for the cash-strapped school.

For a mere donation of $20, her students could buy 10 extra points on two tests of their choosing, allowing the tests to be jacked up one whole grade.

What’s more, the parents of her students were the ones who proposed the plan, and the school principal, Susie Shepherd, gave her approval to the proposal. After all, she rationalized, the cash-for-grades plan would raise more money for the school than last year’s chocolate sale.

And, she insisted, it wouldn’t make much of an impact on overall grades.

What’s wrong with them anyway? Didn’t the principal, the teacher or the parents realize that serious ethical breaches were being committed, and that in effect they were teaching the students that money talks and advancement can be bought?

As an ethical solution, the ends don’t always justify the means.

Thankfully, when state education officials found out about the scheme through news reports, they scrapped the plan.

This is just another sign that the Apocalypse is coming.

Oh, For Heaven’s Sake

Just when you thought you’d heard the last of “OctoMom,” and also thought that the Jon vs. Kate Gosselin debacle was on its last legs; just when you thought these two ridiculous phenomena were fading into a distant memory …

Nadya Suleman has let it be known that she has a crush on Jon Gosselin. In general, she thinks he’s hot; specifically she thinks he looks great in purple.

What does she have to say about Kate Gosselin? "I feel for her. I wish everyone would leave her alone," she said. "I'm sure she trusts herself and trusts that she's strong enough to handle it."

Good Lord! Why are we wasting our time on these people? Why am I even writing about this? Who cares anyway? Please stop! No more of this, please!

Surely, this is a sign that the Apocalypse is on its way.

That’s Just Plain Mean

Poor little kitty. It was the Philadelphia cat’s misfortune to bump into 19-year-old James Davis, who grabbed it and mummified it in duct tape.

Nicknamed “Sticky” by animal welfare workers who came to his rescue, the cat was dehydrated and had to be sedated while they worked arduously to carefully remove the tape from its fur.

Davis admitted he commited the heinous deed on Monday, wrapping Sticky up in tape, shoving him into a shopping bag, then dumping the sweet kitty into a neighbor's yard. He faces a maximum fine of $1,000 and two years in jail.

The cat’s owner has not yet been located.

This is just one more sign that the Apocalypse is coming.

Grumpy Neighbors Silence the Bells

Would you believe that a bishop of the Cathedral of Christ the King has been convicted of disturbing the peace, just because he rang his church bells?

The bells are a digital recording that were played through four loudspeakers every half-hour. Phoenix Bishop Rick Painter had tried to mollify complaining neighbors by fronting the speakers with noise-dampening foam, and changing the schedule to once an hour.

That wasn’t enough for them, as they continued to file complaints, summoning the police who were forced to file a report.

Bishop Painter was tried and found guilty, and now can only ring the bells for Sunday worship. And you know what? Those who live closest to the bells were not the ones complaining.

It’s just another sign that the Apocalypse is on its way.