Neologism (?) Winners

Someone just sent me an article about winners in the Washington Post’s annual neologism contest, where readers supplied alternate meanings to commonly used words.

These are funny, but I need to tell you the list was published 17 years ago, in 2005. So they might already be familiar. A few may offend some of you, but that is not my intent in running the list.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddis
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

(BTW, a “neologism” is a new word or new usage of a word.)

18 Immutable Laws Of Man

I wish I’d had the opportunity and inclination to compile and arrange these myself. Be that as it may, this list magically appeared in my Facebook feed. So there you go.

1 . Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, and you'll have to pee.

  

2. Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

     

3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

     

5. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

  

6. Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

  

7. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

     

9. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the  reach.

10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet, and who leave early before the performance or the game is over.  The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people, also, are very surly folk.

     

11. The Coffee Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

     

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

     

13. Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

     

15. Law of Physical Appearance: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

     

16. Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

     

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it.

     

18. Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

You’re welcome!

Come Fly with Meme

I know, I know. You’re saying, “What? Again? That meme-making fool.”

Can’t help it. I see a striking pic in my Facebook or Twitter feed and save it in one of my iPad folders. Or, I read/hear a catchy or memorable phrase (mostly inspirational, but many humorous, particularly punny phrases.)

Along with kitty and puppy memes, birds are my favorite theme subjects. And what better way to start off the new year with a flock of wise and beautiful birds!

Enjoy, and share if you like. Permission is not required, although acknowledgment is appreciated.

M