‘Since We’re Here’

They could be the three worst words a husband can hear from his wife … “Since we’re here.”

The other day, I had a few things to do – pick up ‘scripts at Costco, get a haircut. And, as usual, the wife tagged along since she wanted to buy some knobs and pulls to replace the ones removed when we had bathrooms, dining room, living area and hallways painted last week.

First, Lowe’s. We spent an inordinate amount of time picking out drawer and cabinet pulls. They had some nice ones, but not enough of each to match up in the various rooms. Finally, though, we were able to buy a bunch – 38, 11, 8 and 3 … which may seem like small quantities, but believe me, it takes a long time.

Wife: “Since we’re here …”

We ended up roaming the aisles for more stuff – electrical outlet and light switch plates. I was starting to get light-headed. We added onto her list some shelving paper and a bathroom vanity light. More walking. The black-colored things were starting to look gray, and the grays were starting to look white.

Couldn’t find a vanity light we liked, so the wife suggested we go to Home Depot or City Mill. She failed to grasp the male concept of “Don’t shop, just buy.” But that’s an essay for another time; remind me around Christmas.

I headed for the checkout. “Why don’t you go to the self-service checkout?” she offered. Hell no, I wasn’t going to scan five dozen individual items … that’s something a checkout clerk should do.

Anyway, to make a long story short, we got out of there after an hour and a half.

Next, we moved on to Costco to pick up pre-ordered prescriptions and a roasted chicken for my mother-in-law.

Wife: “Since we’re here …”

You should see what extra stuff she made me buy at Costco – a big box of Maui-style potato chips, a 25-pound bag of rice, a big bundle of toilet paper (which should make my mother-in-law happy), some prepped salmon for dinner, a few big ol’ artichokes,  turkey rolls for lunch, some fake eggs, and some other stuff that I don’t remember.

Wife: “Since we’re here …”

“I’m going to check the video section,” the wife added. Of course she did.

I got to an empty checkout line (Glory Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!) and began zipping through it like a bat out of hell. Just as the checker was totaling up and I was about to sign the electronic screen (note: I hate those things, my signature always looks like a kindergartener’s finger-paint scrawl), here comes the wife …

No videos, just more stuff “since we were already there.”

Okay, Costco done … the barber was next, and hopefully the last place we’d go to.

Wife: “Since we’re here … “

While I was having my hair shorn off, a one-and-a-half buzz cut all around, which kind of distressed the lady barbers in the adjoining chairs … (“So good looking and cutting all off!”) the wife wandered about Ala Moana Center, just because.

One thing about these buzz cuts, you’re in and out in a jiffy. But not jiffy enough. When I made my exit from the barbershop, there was the wife with a package in her hand. She’d gone to the See’s Candy store next door … since we were already there.

Needless to say, I headed straight home. My one hour plans had turned into five hours of hell. Why do I do this to myself? I guess I had to, since we were already there.