O Tannenbaum Update

You may be happy (or like me, relieved) to learn that the wife found the two boxes of Christmas ornaments that she'd stored away so well last year and that I reported lost forever a couple of days ago. Turns out they were hiding behind a huge bag of stuff in the garage storage room.

Of course, we'd already purchased some new bulbs and stuff, so I imposed my will and declared that it didn't matter if we found the old stuff, we were going to use the new stuff and dispose of the old. Y'know, make the much-needed change.

Except for the old skirt - we kept that. And the Santa tree topper - we kept that also. And, of course, we're keeping the gift ornaments as well.

We didn't have enough lights, however, but instead of attaching last year's strings to this year's new LED light strings, I'm going to trash the old ones.

The wife volunteered to go back to the store and get more, however. See, I had let her talk me into buying only 100 lights, Against my better judgement. I should have known better, she has no concept of measurement (time, volume, length, etc.). So she went back for more.

She also likes the star topper. It changes color, and frankly, it looks pretty good. We'll keep Mr. Antique Santa in his box this year, at least for now. I have other plans for him.

So ... we're all set for this year. Now all I have to do is wrap up the presents and we're all ready. Congratulate me, I made it through another furshluginer raising of the tannenbaum.

Flat Rat

I've heard that some animals can squeeze through some mighty narrow openings - an octopus, for example, or even a cockroach.

Felt sorry for this rat, however. It looks as though it wanted to squeeze between a car tire and the asphalt. Obviously, its attempt didn't work.

In the parking tot of the State of Hawaii's Kekuanao'a (Territorial State Office) Building yesterday, I saw a whole bunch of flies buzzing around this flat thing on the ground. On closer look, I could make out only three things: a tail, two feet, and a whole lotta fur.

Yep, a dead rat. A FLAT rat.

I was tempted to pick it up by the tail and have the wife take a picture of me displaying the dead rat like a proud fisherman, but decided not to. The flies might object to that, and I've seen enough demon movies to know that flies can be a nasy thing.

Where’s Waldo?

Lemme change that. This has nothing to do with Waldo. It’s even more puzzling than Waldo, with even more exhausting results.

See, the wife went and bought a Christmas tree on Wednesday, even though I told her I’d go with her on Thursday (yesterday). You know how it is when you have an itch to do something? No one or nothing is going to stand in your way. That’s how she felt yesterday. And, knowing how I really want to get an artificial tree, she decided (I think) to trump me and get a real one right away.

Fine and dandy. I told her I’d put it up yesterday and get the ball rolling. She said great, she’d go dig out the Christmas ornaments and such.

Well, I was ready around noon time and told her to go get the tree stand, I’d wait.

About a half hour later (a half hour!), she came to tell me she couldn’t find the stand or any of the ornament boxes. So I helped her look. We opened every closet and cupboard, looked in every nook and cranny, under the beds, in the drawers … a lot of where we looked didn’t make sense because the stuff was in two pretty big boxes.

She swears she had them “right there” and now they’ve disappeared. Goodness gracious.

But y’know, in the general scheme of things, it was no big deal, at least not anything worth crying over (except for some special ornaments we’d collected over the years that were given to us by dear friends). Except for the memories, everything could be replaced.

So off we went in the afternoon on a Christmas safari – found a tree stand (better than the one we had), found some coordinated ornaments and garlands and new LED lights. We got a new tree skirt that looked almost like the one we brought over from California when we moved back in 1972, we found a cute Mickey Mouse stocking for our grandson, and we even found a good deal on gift boxes.

The only thing we had trouble finding was a Christmas tree topper. We’d brought back an old-fashioned fabric Santa that used to sit all lit up on top of our tree since our first son was born. That’s 45 years ago. If there’s any ornament I’ll really miss, it’s that Santa. Oh well, that’s just the way it goes.

But … as I said, we had trouble finding a suitable tree topper. We went all over the place, and nothing really caught our fancy. I remember stores used to have lots of them on sale. Not yesterday. We settled for a star with changing light colors that’s okay … just okay … but not awe-inspiring. I think I’ll go online and see if I can get one, if not this year, then for next year.

The big question remaining is where the heck are the missing ornaments? This is going to bug the wife for a while, I’m sure. Oh well, that’s what she gets for not agreeing to get an artificial tree. Heheheh.

My Ding Dong Balls

My Chinese health balls, that is. Why? What were you thinking of?

A very good friend sent these to me during a Christmas ornament exchange, with hopes, I guess, that they would help me relax, make me happier, and improve my health.

According to a little card included with the balls, their use dates back to the Ming Dynasty (1369-1644), and supposedly, using them can stimulate the various acupuncture points in the hand.

Within the balls are bells that produce quiet, subtle clangs - one high, one slightly lower (hence the "ding dong" in the title above). It's thought this aids physical strength and removes disease such as headaches, high blood pressure, nervousness and arthritis.

I love rolling them around in the hands - clockwise in the right, and counter-clockwise in the left.

See? I feel better already.

Sleepus Dreamus Interruptus

Here we go (went?) again.

Before we retired to bed last night, I told the wife that I wanted to do a couple of things this morning, including getting a haircut and picking up our prescription meds at Costco.

As usual, she said she wanted to come along with me, after which, could I please drop her and her mom at the beauty shop in the early afternoon, wait for their call, and then pick them up. Please? You know I'm a nice guy ... I said okay. 

This morning, she got out of bed around 7:30 and pronounced her hunger. I slowly opened my eyes and muttered, "Okay," and promptly fell back to sleep.

About an hour later, she came into the room, kicked the bed, and said, "Aren't you going to take me to breakfast?" I guess I was, wasn't I? So I got out of bed and did my morning thing, and was sitting at the steering wheel in no time.

See? I'm a nice guy. But I did have one thing to tell her ... why didn't she tell me she wanted to go out to breakfast when she woke me up the first time? See, while I was in my early morning slumber, I dreamed of making myself a lovely omelet, and had my mouth and tummy set on it.

Sometimes I feel as though I need to give her a class in "Advising Craig 101."

Coining a Phrase

Some nice person left me a coin the other day, placing it on my windshield wiper when I went grocery shopping at Manoa Marketplace.

“Where will you spend eternity?” the coin asked me, referring me to the Bible passage John 3:16: For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

It reminded me of the rainbow shaved-ice hair guy who used to pop up in the background of sports events, particularly football games, holding up a sign with “John 3:16” on it.

The coin was made of aluminum so I did the right thing after taking its picture. I put it in the recycling bin because I’m a responsible citizen who wants to conserve the natural resources provided for us by our Maker.

Waiter! There's a Hair ...

So you went to a fancy dancy restaurant and found a hair in your food.
Is that bad? Of course it is. But is it unhealthy? Well, maybe not. At least the U.S. Food and Drug Administration doesn't think so.

They haven't found any evidence of people getting sick from eating hair that's found its way into their food. In fact, they don't even have any guidelines in its Food Code.

Hair is mostly keratin, which is chemically inactive. Diarrhea-causing bacteria are very unlikely to cling to it and enter your system. You'll need to eat a whole headful of hair to be affected by it. You know, like your cat's hairballs ("trichobezoars").

And did you know that food manufacturers use an amino acid found in keratin - L-cysteine - to stabilize dough and stimulate your taste buds? Sure, you knew that, didn't you? They usually get it from duck feathers, but sometimes they get it from human hair.

So relax! Next time you find a hair in your food, just remember that according to the FDA, it's okay to have up to two maggots per can of tomatoes, and 30 or more insect parts in three tablespoons of peanut butter.

I kid you not.

Ewwwwww! Waiter! Waiter!

USC 50, UCLA 0

Oh how sweet it is. The USC Trojans put a major whomping on the UCLA Bruins last night in the biggest football game of the year. If this year's regular season crosstown Los Angeles rivalry proved anything, it was that USC is the real deal, and UCLA is not.

USC demolished UCLA 50-0, the Trojans' fifth straight win, and the largest margin of victory in the series since 1930. That's 81 years ago.

The USC offense rushed for 149 yards (15 more than UCLA) and passed for 424 yards (164 more than UCLA). Running back Curtis McNeal ripped off a 73-yard scamper to score USC's second TD, which followed the Trojans' opening drive that ended with USC scoring the game's first TD in only four plays.

Sophomore Robert Woods caught 12 passes for 113 yards and 2 touchdowns (just another of his stellar performances), and freshman Marqise Lee caught 13 for 224 yards and 2 touchdowns (just another of HIS stellar performances).

Which brings us to junior quarterback Matt Barkley, whose numbers certainly boosted his chances to be invited to the Dec. 10 Heisman Trophy presentation ceremonies in New York. Barkley tossed six touchdown passes against a feeble UCLA secondary, tieing his school record. He's completed 39 touchdown passes this season, a Pac-12 Conference single-season record.

Barkley's statistics in the game: He completed 35 of 42 passes (a school record) for 423 yards, six touchdowns and no interceptions. His last completion of the game was to his cousin, Robbie Boyer, a walk-on catching his first pass of the year. How sweet was that? The USC sideline erupted in cheers of delight!

UCLA came close to scoring at least three times, but was denied by the Trojans' magnificent defense.

And so a demoralized UCLA will go to the Pac-12 championship game on Friday night against the Oregon Ducks, north division champs. USC can't represent the south, although the Trojans had the best record (7-2 in the conference), because of the NCAA "no-bowl for three years" sanctions.

Last night's game was our final game of the season, and we Trojan fans are happy with the results. The most important game to win is the UCLA game. As long as we beat Notre Dame and UCLA, we can consider it a good season.

Matt Barkley came off the field to a thunderous ovation, and the overwhelmingly loud chant of "One more year!" ... the fans hoping he chooses to finish his senior year at USC and take the school forth in its quest for a national championship. Because ... it's likely he may leave for the NFL.

Wouldn't UCLA hate it if he stayed? You betcha!

Fight on!

Shake Shake Shake!

There ain't nothing like a wet dog to douse you with water. Ol' Fido, when he's a shakin' and a shimmyin', can get you as wet as a spray from your garden hose. I'm sure most of us have experienced that thrill at one time or another.

That inborn technique is rather efficient too. A professor at the Georgia Institute of Technology actually studies canine (and other mammalian) tecniques for drying off. He's trying to come up with a mechanical means that does as good a job as the animals.

He's found that a washing machine's spin cycle has to go at it constantly for 10 minutes before it can remove an equivalent amount of water as a shaking dog does in a few seconds.

Doggies twist their spines about 30 degrees with each shake, but their loose skin turns that into 100 degrees in each direction. Centripetal force overcomes the water's surface tension, breaking it away from the fur.

So someday, when you buy a washing machine and put it to work for the first time, don't be surprised if it starts jerking around in a snapping motions. You can thank assistant professor David Hu for that.

Mr. Monk

I never really watched the television series Monk when it was showing on USA Network … bumped into it a couple of times while I was channel surfing, but never stopped to watch an entire episode.

However, thanks to author Lee Goldberg and his Mr. Monk series of novels based on the Tony Shalhoub character, I’m now hooked on the blasted thing.

I’d read a number of Goldberg’s books, and the one that got me started on the Monk kick was Mr. Monk in Trouble. Since then, I’ve bought the season 1 DVD and am now DVR-ing all the Monk episodes I can find on cable (and there are a lot).

Adrian Monk is a basket case – he has 312 phobias, ranging from milk to dirt, from closed spaces to snakes. And, to top it all off, he has a pretty nasty case of obsessive-compulsive disorder. All of those, taken in and of themselves, make him a pretty pitiful character.

But the thing is, it’s funny. And … he’s a brilliant detective. And, and … he can’t help but stumble onto mysteries wherever he goes, no matter the occasion. And, and, and … he solves them all.

He’s got some help – during its run from 2002 to 2009, Adrian Monk had two assistants. The first, Sharona Fleming (Bitty Schram), started off as his nurse, helping him get through the violent death of his wife, Trudy. The second, Natalie Teeger (Traylor Howard), entered the series in the middle of season 3, when Bitty Schram was dropped because of a salary conflict.

Monk works alongside his former partner, Capt. Leland Stottlemeyer (Ted Levine) of the San Francisco Police Department, and Stottlemeyer’s current partner, Lt. Randy Disher (Jaon Gray-Stanford). Stottlemeyer is down-to-earth and open to Monk’s revelations; Disher is out of left field much of the time.

As musician Randy Newman, who wrote and sang the Emmy-winning theme song, It’s a Jungle Out There, sings during the opening credits: “It’s a jungle out there, Disorder and confusion everywhere!” And that describes Adrian Monk’s life to a T.

Now … if you don't mind, I have to get more of Lee Goldberg’s Mr. Monk books for my Kindle.