A Losing Battle

Maintaining a lush, green lawn is impossible at our house. There are weeds galore that have no problem making a home here.

No matter how much you dig and pull and clean out an area the size of Delaware, the weeds come back. I’m not talking crab grass, I’m talking … well, I have no idea what kind of plants they are that have found a permanent home in our yard.

In an effort to clear out the intruders, we invested in a couple of gallons of Roundup Weed & Grass Killer. It did what the name says … it killed the weed and the grass. So for a long while, we had to make do with a huge patch of bare dirt while waiting for the grass to grow back in from the edges.

Guess what? Only the weeds have returned. And again, I have no idea what kind they are. Oh, I take that back. Recently a flock of three-leaf clovers have taken up residence – those I can identify.

I guess I need to crawl around on my hands and knees searching for a four-leaf clover in the bunch.

Meet … Cleopatra

Cleo the Dove

When the morning contingent of Zebra Doves comes swarming to the breakfast table, they are inevitably joined by a few larger doves – Spotted Doves (Spilopelia chinensis, aka “Spotted Turtle Doves”), so called because of the bandana of spots they sport on the neck.

These are more regal in appearance, quite unlike the cuddly Zebras.

One in particular is always the first to arrive. I call her “Cleopatra” because of what appears to be eye makeup similar to what you see in Egyptian art. Plus, she’s the queenly one of the bunch, often chastising the other Spotteds and chasing them away from her pecking grounds.

Even the Zebras have taken to staying out of her way.

Once I saw her grab hold of another Spotted’s tail, not letting go until she had pulled two feathers out and left them scooting over the asphalt with each passing breeze.

She doesn’t come too close to me, however, not like the Zebras who often surround my seat. None of the Spotteds does … they’re shyer than the Zebras.

Babies ‘n Baseball

Let me amend that … I should have said “Buns in the Oven and Baseball.”

The Class A affiliate of the New York Mets – the Brooklyn Cyclones – had a better name for it. They sponsored a “Bellies and Baseball” night at one of their games, during which the team saluted women who were pregnant.

If you had a bun in the oven, you and your fellow-pregnantees could throw out the first pitch and then run the bases. Did you have a craving during the game? Then you could head over to the Cravings Concession Stand and gorge on anchovies, ice cream and pickles.

If you needed practice for the big event (the birthing, not the baseball game), you could participate in Lamaze practice on the field before the game.

During the seventh inning stretch (marks), expectant moms went onto the field and led the crowd in a rousing rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”

And, if you timed it right, you could have gotten free season tickets for life. All you had to do was give birth in the ballpark. Did they have facilities available? Well gosh, I really don’t know.

By the way, the Brooklyn Cyclones beat the Auburn Doubledays 2-1. Awright!

Breathe in! Breathe out! Push! Push!

I love minor league baseball promotions.

Teeth Whiteners

I read this the other day about brightening up your smile: When snacking during the day, munch on crunchy foods like apples, carrots and celery. They help keep your teeth clean.

After lunch, chew gum to absorb moisture that might contain staining substances. To lessen the incidence of caries, chew sugar-free gum.

Rinse your mouth after eating, especially after dinner.

I do all of this anyway, but maybe others haven’t. Now … SMILE!

Hello There

Once in a while, Gertrude the Dove feels obliged to pop up really close and look at me, as if to say, “Okay, buster, where are today’s crumbs? “

She can be so relentless, giving me the eye and projecting mental birdie thoughts into my pea-sized brain.

It works, y’know. I get up, she hops to the ground, I go in the house and get her something, toss it on the ground, and she gobbles ‘em up so fast you’d think she never had a meal in her life.

Feels good … doing a good deed, y’see.

Zzzzzzz …

That was the worst NCAA basketball championship I’ve ever seen on TV in my life. And I've been watching for at least 47 years, since 1964. The University of Connecticut won by a lame score of 53-41, coming off of a half-time score of … get this … Butler 22, UConn 19.

Last night, Butler set a record for futility, hitting only 18.8% of its field goals in the game.

Sports analysts were giving some credit to UConn for their defense, but really … all UConn to do was let Butler shoot and wait for the “doink” sound as the ball hit the rim like a brick.

They should have just picked their best players and had them compete in a round of “Horse.” That would have been more exciting.

Jeez!

Just Think About It

If you want to eat less during the day, think about the last meal you’ve had.

British researchers have found that those who think about what they had for lunch tended to eat fewer snacks before dinner.

Why does this happen? Because when your mind recalls your meal, it send out signals to your body … and your body responds by remembering that it’s full and not hungry.

Well, oh yeah? I dunno ‘bout that. Oh, I know what’s wrong with my picture. I don’t eat lunch. So if I think about my last meal, I’m thinking about breakfast and around mid-afternoon, that’s enough to make me hungry, not curb my appetite.

So, here’s an amendment: Think about your last meal only if it was lunch.

Right?

Fishy Wishy

Right smack dab in the middle of the Queen’s Medical Center emergency room sits a peaceful, quiet and serene aquarium, the perfect mind-relaxer for anyone sitting there waiting for their turn to be treated.

And boy, is it needed. The emergency room was packed to the gills last week when I was there waiting for my charge to be summoned inside. I can’t tell you how many people were just sitting there, staring at the half-dozen or so salt-water reef fish hovering around the lava coral rocks.

I wish I could tell you what species of fish were there, but I only can name one for sure – the Hawaiian aholehole (Kuhlia sandvicensis, pronounced “ah-ho-leh-ho-leh”). I think the yellow fish pictured here is a surgeonfish of sorts because of the barb near the base of its tail.

Because those little fishies are always moving in the dimly lit aquarium, I couldn’t take very many sharp pictures.

An aquarium – the perfect “stare at another world so you forget your own troubles for a while” distraction in a hospital emergency room.

Excuse Me, But …

You would think that a suspicious-looking package left in a federal office building would soon have a crowd of demolition experts and sniffing dogs surrounding it, wouldn’t you?

That’s not what happened in Detroit recently.

A private security guard at a building housing the Social Security Administration and the FBI found a package just sitting there all by its lonesome. “Hmmm,” he must have said,” I think somebody lost this. Let’s put it in Lost and Found, and see if anybody asks for it.”

Bad move. The problem is he didn’t have it screened first. So it sat in Lost and Found for four weeks.

“Hmmm,” somebody else must have said last week, “this package looks a little suspicious. Let’s have it X-rayed.” Good move!

X-rays revealed what looked like a bomb. The Federal Protective Service was called, along with Detroit Police who eventually detonated the package … a month late.

But … better late than never?

The Boys Are Back in Town

It was a great day yesterday. Major League Baseball got down to brass tacks, the teams pared their rosters down to 25 players, and stadiums across the nation rocked with fans eager to get back into the swing of things.

The Grapefruit League in Florida and the Cactus League in Arizona closed up camps and the trains, buses and airlines were packed with teams and players either moving to their respective MLB cities or minor league camps, or sadly, home.

I’ve never been to an MLB opening day game, the closest I’ve come is a team’s home opening. But the excitement was still there. Granted it wasn’t exciting as it might have been on opening day, but what the heck, it was great.

Yesterday, the hot dogs had been boiling for hours, their snappy casings fairly bursting. The field was immaculate, the crowd expectant. And the players were ready to finally get going on the season.

There were three games in a row on ESPN, enough for any rabid fan to overdose. I was primarily interested in what my beloved Atlanta Braves were doing … they were after all, playing the very first game of the day.

And what a day it was! The Cincinnati Reds won with a walk-off home run by Ramon Hernandez, the Yankees came from behind to win, San Diego held on to beat St. Louis in extra innings, and the Dodgers beat the Giants.

Jason Heyward

The best part of the day? Atlanta Braves outfielder Jason Heyward slammed a home run during his first at-bat of the day, duplicating his opening day feat last year. He is one of only two MLB players to hit a home run in his first at-bat of the year, for the first two years of his professional career.

The way the winning teams were jumping around and cheering and slapping hands, you'd have thought they'd won the seventh game of the World Series. I love it, I love baseball ... it grown men into little boys.

Life is good!