Neologism (?) Winners

Someone just sent me an article about winners in the Washington Post’s annual neologism contest, where readers supplied alternate meanings to commonly used words.

These are funny, but I need to tell you the list was published 17 years ago, in 2005. So they might already be familiar. A few may offend some of you, but that is not my intent in running the list.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddis
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

(BTW, a “neologism” is a new word or new usage of a word.)

18 Immutable Laws Of Man

I wish I’d had the opportunity and inclination to compile and arrange these myself. Be that as it may, this list magically appeared in my Facebook feed. So there you go.

1 . Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, and you'll have to pee.

  

2. Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

     

3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

     

5. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

  

6. Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

  

7. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

     

9. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the  reach.

10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet, and who leave early before the performance or the game is over.  The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people, also, are very surly folk.

     

11. The Coffee Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

     

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

     

13. Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

     

15. Law of Physical Appearance: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

     

16. Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

     

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it.

     

18. Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

You’re welcome!

Come Fly with Meme

I know, I know. You’re saying, “What? Again? That meme-making fool.”

Can’t help it. I see a striking pic in my Facebook or Twitter feed and save it in one of my iPad folders. Or, I read/hear a catchy or memorable phrase (mostly inspirational, but many humorous, particularly punny phrases.)

Along with kitty and puppy memes, birds are my favorite theme subjects. And what better way to start off the new year with a flock of wise and beautiful birds!

Enjoy, and share if you like. Permission is not required, although acknowledgment is appreciated.

M

Merry Christmas From Me to YOU

 

Christmas comes but once a year, and when it comes, it brings good cheer.

Personally, I wish it would last at least a week longer than it always does. It’s been increasingly so, the older I get. I mean, commercially it starts on Halloween with Christmas ads making their annual debut. I love the small ascent up to the glorious day of legend. Then, the giant holiday eraser gets to work.

There are several reasons why Christmas is so important to me:

First and primary is Jesus Christ, the Holy Child of God. It is from Him that the carols have been written and sung over the centuries. From the Nativity, we are subject to so many images of Christ, Mary and Joseph, shepherds, three kings bearing gifts, angels, and the magical star that shone bright in the night.

I will spend so many hours listening to classics like “Silent Night,” “Angels We Have Heard on High,” “We Three Kings,” and “Away in a Manger.”

By the time I was a child in the ‘50s, the iconic Santa Claus as we know him emerged. Poems about him were written, then movie after movie. His tales evolved to fit our image of him.

I did, I do, and I will continue to sing the songs I grew up with.

Familiar Christmas Song Lyrics

“He had a broad face and a little round belly that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.” • “Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring.” • “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.” • “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walkin' home from our house Christmas Eve.” • “Silver bells, silver bells, it's Christmas time in the city.” • “Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

I could go on and on, but I’ll have too many ear worms in my head.

I do love the glitter and sparkle of decorations. Remember what we used to call Christmas icicles? We called them tinsels, because they were made of tin foil, and I do believe celebrants still call them that. The newer ones are shinier, for sure.

The design of the glass balls haa taken a dramatic turn for the better, they’re lighter and less breakable — true works of art. And the Christmas tree garlands sometimes exceed the beauty of jewelry.

After testing the tangled mess of bulbs, turn on the string of Christmas tree lights, then off the living room lights. Turn on some Christmas music so we all can sing and sway.

And that’s Christmas to me.

One last thing before I go: Don’t forget your furry friends and family members, no matter what they do to your beautiful Christmas tree. I’m sure that in their own way, they love Christmas, with all the tree ornaments, presents, ribbons and bows.

(Of course, there is a limit, so don’t overdo it …)

That’s Hawaiian for Merry Christmas!

Vintage Christmas Classic Cartoons

MeTV recently ran two hours of classic Christmas cartoons.  Instead of posting them on my Facebook page, I thought I’d share three of them in this blog.

Somewhere in Dreamland (1936)

(Click Here) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lH4gC69ZEhc

Christmas Comes But Once a Year (1936)

(Click Here) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbssjgg-juU

Santa’s Surprise (1947)

(Click Here) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaGum8trti0

The End is the End of an End

I was thinking of endings — you know, the end of an era, the final out in a World Series Game 7, the proverbial “end of my rope,” the closing of a powerful quotation, stuff like that.

We all know there are an infinite number of “ends,” but only a few registered recently in my early morning dream wanders, two standing out in my semi-stupor memories.

They are both inspired by today’s date, Dec. 7.

The first is the end of an era in 1941, when the U.S. peace exploded with the Japanese air attack on Pearl Harbor in Hawaii. (Period, capitalized new sentence.)

On Dec. 8, the U.S. decisively committed to World War II. And we all know what’s happened since that day

The second “discussion” identifies celebrities appearing on U.S. Social Security Medical Helpline insurance commercials touting the Dec. 7, 2021 filing deadline.

[Above] Joe Namath (Star NFL QB) • George Foreman (heavyweight boxing champ)

[Below] Jimmy “J.J” Walker (“Dy-no-MITE!) • William Shatner (“Star Trek”)

TV is flooded with these, as we speak. Oh, and if you decide to call them, you are probably too late. But there’s always the new cycle in 2022.

Happy New Year!

The end.