Order in the Court

You may have seen these before – maybe in an email, maybe on a website, maybe even on Facebook. But I think they’re funny enough to bear repeating. According to the email I got, these are from the book, Disorder in the American Courts.

And they swear these are true stories gleaned from the records of actual court reporters.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18^th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did ou actually pass the bar exam?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

* * * * *

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8^th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at the time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

* * * * *

Okay, that’s enough. I can’t stand it any longer, so I’ll continue this at another time.